


Trying Tuesday

by darlingdeathbird



Category: Adventures In Wonderland (TV 1992)
Genre: Body Swap, Freaky Friday - Freeform, M/M, Magic, Out of Body Experiences, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25314706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird
Summary: When Rabbit and Hare inadvertently reveal their bunny tension to a lady at a Chinese restaurant, she gives them cookies that make them switch bodies on the day of the Queen's Independence Day Ball, and Hatter realizes there was something so charming about Rabbit all along...
Relationships: Mad Hatter & March Hare (Alice in Wonderland)
Kudos: 1





	Trying Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Slowly but surely I'd like to get up some fanfiction for the long-lost but not forgotten live-action Disney show "Adventures in Wonderland" (1992), whose fandom I have participated in on and off for the past ten years. I've written a lot of fanfic for it but neglected to post consistently on all the sites I frequent. This one was a real labor of love, completed in 2012, but still probably my favorite. The show is really dear to me, as are all the characters, and it's always my goal to simultaneously have them make fools of themselves and also reveal the loving dynamics going on between one another. So I hope that that's all ostensibly here in this fic, and that it also makes you laugh a lot, because I certainly did while I was writing. ffff

Part 1  
..........

Beneath a sprawling wooden arch painted in red were a set of golden doors, and through their windows, light was broken by a group of shadows. With them came the sounds of stamping feet and light chatter. Everyone inside the quaint little Chinese restaurant looked from their dinner and gaped their mouths when the Queen of Wonderland came marching through with her nose high and her hands on her hips. Behind her was a rabbit who held to the door and bowed in desperate gallantry, then all of the usual suspects.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum crossed their arms and bobbed their heads immediately, taken by the smell of steaming pork fried rice and general tso chicken. Hatter and Hare, meanwhile, were finishing up a previous exchange with a bunch of pointed, impish squints and smirks, though for a moment Hare looked a little sheepish about it.

Anyway, the Queen was pissed, and that's all that really mattered. The hostess at the front desk was taller than her, but she could tell right away that in the worst case, the Queen could mop the floor with her, with pure sass.

“Your Majesty, what an honor that you come to our restaurant!” She tried. The Queen's eyes bulged, and she spoke with her nose still high:

“Get me a table for six. And don't make me wait like some commoner!” Her company darted their eyes around while the frowning hostess surveyed the crowd. During her short wait for the table, the Queen tapped her foot and glowered at her unsuspecting audience. “What are you looking at?!” And the whole restaurant applied themselves to the plates in front of them as if there was nothing more interesting.

Once the group was taken to a table, everyone sat down except for the Queen, who watched her chair as if she expected it to slide out on its own. Rabbit took a glance at her and shot up so suddenly that he yanked up the tablecloth that had caught on to the Velcro of his wrist cuffs. The silverware clashed, sending their table-mates for a jolt. He laughed nervously and pulled out her chair, but she plopped down and continued to wait. Rabbit took her menu, opened it, and placed it in her hands, still laughing as painfully as ever. Once there was no longer a spectacle, the others raised their menus to their faces and started muttering to each other about the more appealing dishes.

Very unfortunately, the Queen's temper was not Rabbit's only problem. He was sitting next to Hare, who was giggling and slapping Hatter, and the combination of sounds all seemed rather indecent to him, even if he wasn't bothering to check what was going on. Suddenly, the Queen slammed down her menu. “Where the hell is the wait-”, but suddenly he was right behind her.

“Welcome to Wutang Gardens, Your Highness! Can I get you and your fine friends something to drink?” he asked in a pleasantly tenor voice, hands behind his back.

“Alcohol,” she said. Everyone at the table fell silent. “Your finest glass of wine. Whatever. Just bring it right now.”

“Okay, and you, sir?”

“I'll have the same,” Rabbit murmured.

“Excuse me, but do you have the fruit smoothies in kiwi flavor?” Hare cut in. “I didn't see it here on the list!”

“We don't have smoothies, sir.” A few rolls of chub appeared below Hare's mouth as he sunk into his seat. Hatter patted Hare's arm and leaned towards the waiter.

“That's fine. Bring us a whole pot of oolong tea. No, make that two.”

“You're not going to drink two pots,” Rabbit interrupted. “And I should remind you that Her Majesty is taking the bill tonight.”

“That's exactly why we're living it up while we can! Oh, and if you could,” Hatter said, turning to the waiter, “a basket of fortune cookies would be nice.”

Rabbit rolled his eyes and only half paid attention while the Tweedles ordered their drinks, but as soon as the waiter hurried away, he heard Dee clear his throat. “Uhhh, Your Majesty, if you don't mind me asking, why are you upset tonight?”

“Ohhhh! It's a long story. That Duchess is- look, that's not the point. I brought you all here to make an announcement.” Without much enthusiasm, she stood up. “There's going to be a ball tomorrow at the palace. Wonderland's 127th Independence Day Ball, to be exact. And you're all invited, I guess.” She swished her hand and sat back down, looking over to a nearby fish tank instead of giving one ding dangle about their reactions. Despite this, the group whooped like frat boys, except Rabbit, who rolled his eyes and sighed audibly. Hare swayed in his direction and gave him his most unconcerned smile.

“What, you don't like a good party?” He asked. Rabbit, in an uncomfortably slow fashion, turned his face in Hare's direction and grimaced as if he were looking at the foulest thing on Earth.

“Do I need to ahnswer~ that question?” He waited for more than a confused expression from Hare, but it never came. “Apparently so. Perhaps you haven't noticed, but it's my busiest time of yea~. I prepare for the ball several months in advah~nce and Her Majesty is refusing to hire catering this time.” The Queen shot her eyes back at them and looked like she was beginning to fume again. Rabbit's voice died down as he continued, “needless to say, we're both rather anxious about it.”

Suddenly, the drinks arrived, and from then, the rest of the group was making light chat while Rabbit and the Queen focused intently on their wine glasses. While she eyed the fish tank, his gaze was wandering to the Chinese cook behind the glass, flipping veggies over a bright orange fire and spicing them while they were still in the air. He could imagine the heat of the the room behind that glass, as hot as the kitchen would be as he popped a thousand hors d'oeuvres out of the oven, repeatedly, for a whole summer evening.

Meanwhile, Hare was making that indecent giggle again, and Rabbit glanced to that pair only to find that there were fortune cookie crumbs all over their laps, a pile of fortunes next to teacups with upright chopsticks for spoons, and they were playing two hand-held Connect Fours under the table. Hare seemed to have won when he shouted “BINGO!” loud enough to bring all attention to him, then carried on with a new game.

Once the Queen had had a glass of wine, she became a lot more candid about her issues with the Duchess, so much so that when the food was ready, she told everyone to wait so she could finish her story about how, at Princess University, she had to play powderpuff football against Duchy's team and how Duchy had, in a desperate attempt to steal the ball, grabbed and twisted her boobs. It was a discussion no one else was particularly interested in having, but Rabbit threw in a few “I'm so sorry to hear that”'s to keep her from getting flustered.

The Tweedles had enough sense to be quiet, but Hatter thoughtfully chewed on an egg roll and pondered aloud in the most tactless fashion, “why don't you just get over this shit?”

The Queen's eyes began to enlarge like two inflating balloons. Hare must've been wearing non-prescription glasses that day, because he had no idea when he chimed in with “yeah, I mean, Hatter and I sometimes grab each other's boobs – it doesn't mean anything. In fact, it might even mean a really good thing!”

“EXCUSE me, Hatter and Hare, but if that's really the way you feel about this, then clearly you weren't paying attention. Perhaps I should explain our past all over again!” As the words were uttered, she rose from her chair and pointed her finger to the air quite indignantly. Hare just chuckled while Hatter shook his head, ready to make some matter-of-fact statement.

“Oh, Your Majesty, all we're trying to say is love, hate – whatever it is, you're far too invested not to be gay. Hare and I learned that the hard way.”

The Queen dropped her mouth to the tabletop as they carried on like nothing had ever happened and proceeded to do-si-do at the side of the table. Some kind of orientally themed music started up, complete with flutes and gongs, and they began to sing a song that had nothing to do with lesbianism and instead was an ode to the pleasure of ethnic outings. The whole restaurant watched as they found conveniently placed fans on a divider and strolled behind it, shaking the fans before their faces and swaying their man-curves like two bashful, Asian beauties. Hare was actually a little bit convincing, that is until he bent over and sent Rabbit's face into his own soup. Meanwhile, the Tweedles sat rigidly in their seats as Hatter came swaying behind them with a curtain as a sash.

The “audience” wasn't sure what the hell to make of this outburst, as apparently our most beloved Wonderlandians were not a reliable representation of the rest of them, but the few who weren't stunned by the dancing and the music coming from an undetermined source tried to clap appreciatively. The Queen just poured herself some more wine.

Rabbit stood up to find a bathroom and clean himself up as things got back to whatever normalcy they were beforehand, but he found that Hare was following him. By the time they'd reached the hall, Hare tried for his attention.

“Hey, are we both going to the bathroom? What do you know!”

He didn't know why, but Rabbit stopped walking and turned around. Hare smiled. “All that dancing sent the tea straight through the tubes, you know? Mind if I go first?” Rabbit gaped at him incredulously, still with bits of string bean and peanuts in his goatee. In fact, most of his face was stained with the color of a butternut squash.

“Are you mad?-”

“Well-. I think Hatter rubs off on m-”

“That was rhetorical! My Carrots, I can't believe what a moron you are!”

Hare was sincerely taken aback, but all the same, his brow furrowed. “Wow, Rabbit, wh-... don't you think that's kind of mean?”

“Oh, sure! It possibly could be, you know?!” He answered, in what was the highest voice Hare had ever heard him use. “I suppose one has to fight stupidity with fire every now and then. I mean, you saw the mood the Queen was in! She isn't a happy drunk, I should tell you, and now I have to pay for it.”

Behind them, an elderly Chinese lady with a long green tunic had stopped in her tracks with a teapot in hand, surveying the fight with shameless curiosity. Hare tugged at the bottom of his lapels and nervously chortled.

“Come on, Rabbit; we didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Hatter and I were just having a good time.”

“That is exactly the problem! You two are consistently troublesome for everybody! I wish you'd have a little more consideration.”

“We do have consideration! Dinner was way too tense – it was practically screaming for a musical intervention. Maybe if you stopped clenching your asshole so tightly, you'd have noticed.” Rabbit gasped.

“You have some serious nerve, Mr. He'a~. I don't care what kind of 'fun' you have; what you really do is give the Queen high blood pressure and make me want to go to Bunny Solitary Confinement!” And he had some type of weird fit as if he may be struggling out of an invisible straight jacket. “And to think, just yesterday you were trampling through my garden and making strange noises in the bushes while I was cleaning the courtyard. I SHOULD'VE MADE USE OF THAT MOP WHEN I HAD THE CHAH~NCE!"

“Oh yeah? Well-,” but just as Hare was about to accuse Rabbit of having the wrong reaction to his ball-busting shenanigans, the lady who had observed their entire fight showed up at their side, a foot shorter than both, but very slyly staring, as if they were two puppets she was about to add to her collection.

“Cookie?” In her hands was a random tray and cushion holding highly presentable fortune cookies.

“Oh, no thanks, I already had like ten of them.”

“I don't eat anything He'a~ eats,” Rabbit added.

The Chinese lady squinted at them. “You eat the cookie and like them. In my family, you don't refuse food! Some people starve in my country!” And she went off in her mother tongue so passionately that Hare and Rabbit clashed hands just trying to take the cookies as quickly as possible. “So glad you like the cookie,” she finished, her tone suddenly sweetened. She bowed and walked away, leaving Hare and Rabbit glaring at each other. Rabbit darted for the bathroom and slammed the door, then fell into the other side of it and sighed raggedly.

Hare did the same, unconsciously tearing the plastic around his fortune cookie. As he cracked the cookie, he was far too full to eat it, but he pulled out the fortune. Inside the bathroom, Rabbit found himself doing the same. Both read the messages aloud.

An adventure soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes.  
When what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will change you back.

At its last word, Rabbit was jolted around, sinking down to the floor as the entire room began to tremble. Hare stared wide-eyed as the diamonds on a nearby light fixture jiggled like eels. To protect their sensitive bunny heads, they both rose their arms above their ears and curled up until the trembling ceased. Then, Hare stood up and started to smile. “What a rush!” And he went to join the others. He found the group on their way to the door, and Hatter turned around, lending his hand for Hare to hold.

“Everything alright, Hare? Dee said he saw you and Rabbit swishing your hands around a lot.”

“Didn't you feel that earthquake?!”

Hatter squinted. “Nooo...?” Hare squinted back, but Hatter dismissed it. “Sheesh, I can't wait to get home. All that dancing sent the tea straight through the tubes, you know?”

“Where's my designated driver?!” The Queen's voice suddenly boomed from behind them. They had to stand around waiting for an additional five minutes while the Queen told the hostess how hard it was only having one personal servant. When Rabbit appeared, he was cleaned up but still legitimately pissed off. He ignored Hatter and Hare and held the Queen's shoes while she wobbled into the royal car.

* * *

“I'm serious, Hatter! There was an earthquake! It must've been at least a 4 or 5!”

“You're shitting me! There was no earthquake!”

Hare shook his head in a disapproving way at his partner and dug his spoon into his Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream, but Hatter had the nerve to crawl across the couch and hover over him. Hare scrunched up and made sure the spoon reached its destination, then said with a full mouth, “forget it; you're not getting a taste.”

“A taste of what, if I may ask?”

“The-”, he started, but Hatter kissed him and retracted with a very flat, mischievous grin. Hare set the ice cream on the coffee table as innocently as possible, then army-rolled off the couch and escaped across the carpet. After he pulled himself up, Hatter was already pursuing him around the house. After a round through the kitchen and up and down the hall, they ended up on either side of the living room, Hare keeping the coffee table between them no matter which way Hatter turned. At a particularly opportune moment, Hare darted away but slipped on the worn floor in the entrance hall as Hatter caught the back of his suspenders. They both went down. Not only that, but they rolled out the “OUT” door and started smothering each other at the bottom of the stairs, with Hatter's hat brushing against the tablecloth of the tea table.

Hare giggled, but began to tell him “alright, that's enough.” Naturally, nothing happened, so Hare stretched his face as far away as possible and extended his arms between them. “Hatter, get off of mee~!” But Hatter just found a way to roll him over and hold him at the waist. “HEY!” Hare reiterated, much louder. Hatter stopped.

“Is there a problem here?” Hatter asked. Shit, and he had to be so handsome when he did.

“There certainly is, Mr. Hatter!”

“And what is it?”

“I'm not in the mood!” Hare answered, as easily as he would tell someone he preferred his hot-dogs without onions. Except, in this case, he wanted no hot-dog at all. Hatter scrunched up his face at this realization.

“What do you mean, you're not in the mood? We've been at it like rabbits! Forever! Or-, wel-, a few months anyway.”

“Trust me, we're nothing like rabbits.” Hare rolled his eyes, and then swung his leg off of Hatter, deciding to lie there thoughtfully. “I just think we've been having a little too much sex, Hatter. We used to spend this time inventing and... talking about our feelings.”

“You know, for the record,” Hatter tried, “you say plenty about how you feel during sex, it just isn't coherent.”

“But that's just one way I feel!” Hare stood up and raised his hands. “Besides, I don't think you deserve it after what happened the other day.” Hatter stood up immediately and loomed over him.

“What did I do?!”

“...You erased my answering machine!” Hatter's jaw dropped. “Without asking!”

“You told me you had listened to all the messages and that they were from your mom!”

“That doesn't mean that you can just make decisions about what to do with them! I might've needed some information,” Hare explained.

“Okay,” Hatter said with a blank face. “I'm sorry.” Hare leaned from side to side, his eyes remaining on Hatter. “I'll never do it again. Never, ever, ever, even if- you ask me to, I'll say 'no, Hare, it would be best if their fate rested in your hands. I know how important this is.'”

Hare just stood there.

“Am I starting to look more attractive now?” Hatter asked.

He began to nod his own head, but Hare gave him a slow wag of the finger and went back into the house to find his ice cream. He let Hatter have a little taste, though. Of the ice cream, I mean.

Part 2  
..........

The following morning, Rabbit was waking from a terrible sleep. He hadn't had a single dream the whole night and had been tossing and turning relentlessly to adjust to the rising heat. That Queen was always messing with the thermostat. This day, however, seemed awfully peaceful. It was nothing like that hectic night getting the Queen set up in bed, and the extra chores to make the ball preparation more bearable. There was silence, and he could feel the sun's delicate cover on the blankets, and he stretched from head to toe contentedly, surprised his alarm clock had yet to sound and nobody was calling him from downstairs.

His hand rose to scratch beneath his nighttime cap but patted over much thicker fur than usual. This was the first real time he opened his eyes and immediately took notice of the strangely low ceiling. He frowned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, well aware he was getting old, but depth perception was not a usual problem. As he leaned up against his pillows he found a completely foreign place around him with yellow painted walls, hardwood floors, and to the side of him was a table and a lamp with a hat-shaped shade.

"Why am I in Hatter's room?..." He thought to himself, mouth beginning to gape. His eyes caught sight of an antique cat clock, eyes darting back and forth with every tick, when he realized, with a squint, that it was 9:30. Nine-thirty! The Queen would have his head (no pun; no pun at all! This was no time for jokes!)

He sprung from the bed and did a panic dance on the rug when he noticed his own hands. They rose cautiously before him. All of his abundant white hair was gone. As his eyes traveled all the way up his arms, he realized that he had gone bare and tan, and, worse, his body was a blur. "These aren't mine!" Was his only coherent thought. He used the "vessel" hands to touch his chest, then lower, finding a total absence of ice-cream belly and a (not exactly fit, but) significantly smaller waist line. "This isn't mine, either." His thorough inspection continued as he repeated in his head, over and over again, that this was some kind of mistake or hallucination. Slowly, his hands reached back and cupped his butt. "That's definitely not mine!" He uttered aloud. He almost went shooting through the roof when a pile of sheets stirred from behind him.

"What are you talkin' about, Hareee~..." When Rabbit swished around, Hatter was sprawled out, hatless, without a shirt. "I said we could shaaareee..." he added, with his eyes closed. Rabbit gasped and backed into the wall.

"Oh my goodness. I'm- I'm- I'm terribly sorry." When his back reached the door, his hand fumbled over a stiff handle, no matter how hard he tried to turn it left or right. Hatter eventually came to and gave him a playful sleepy smirk.

"I guess I forgive you..." When he said this, they were making completely direct eye contact. Rabbit grew incredulous.

"What do you mean, you-" His eyebrow suddenly cocked mid-sentence before he approached a mirror by the dresser. Before he even caught his whole reflection, he flinched, then neared the rest of the way with his hands out, as if in defense. He stopped before the vision became blurry again and gaped. With dark, dark eyebrows, a dash of freckles, and a crown of curly hair, the creature followed his every move. Even the corners of its mouth fell dramatically, just as his did, with a roll of chub underneath its chin. He swallowed sourly.

"What'sa matter, Hare?" Slowly but surely, he turned towards his unexpected bed-mate and answered.

"N-Nothing. Nothing at all," he said through his teeth. He took one last look at that schmucky face before going back to the door and struggling with the handle again.

"Uhm, you have to push it in and then turn it, remember?" Hatter tried. Rabbit took his advice and succeeded.

"Thanks. I forgot..." he muttered. He dashed out of the room and looked all around for the bathroom, where he went to splash his face with water, hoping this was all just a bad nightmare that involved very sensitive perception and a feeling like he wasn't asleep at all. As he was doing so, Hatter appeared in the door frame and crossed his arms, but Rabbit grabbed the nearby hand towel and patted himself, avoiding eye contact. Then, with hesitance, he snatched a yellow toothbrush and brushed vigorously with his eyes closed, trying to ignore any sensation or taste.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"The Queen is going to ki-" Rabbit started offhandedly. Hatter tightened his lips. "... I need to see Rabbit."

"Rabbit? Why the hell would you see him?"

He spat into the sink and used an orange cup to rinse, leaving Hatter in anticipation. "It's a long story," he answered, coldly brushing him out of the way and rushing past the attic, almost tripping over Hatter's crap strewn over the floor in the process.

"You're not gonna floss?" Hatter wondered aloud, mere steps behind him with a worried expression.

"Yeah, like I'd put my hands in his mouth- I mean... It's just that important. I have to go now," he emphasized, flashing the whites of his eyes. With Hatter hovering over him the entire way, he looked downstairs for any clue as to what was going on but fell empty-handed at the front door.

"Wait!" Before he could react, a hand came around his back and he slipped awkwardly out of a hug. Hatter glanced briefly at his swatted hand with discouragement. "I don't get some sugar before you go?" Rabbit looked at him like he had lost his mind, but Hatter leaned forward and his blond locks gave Rabbit's cheeks a most unfamiliar tickle. Sure this was the most horrifying thing in all his 70 years, he bent backwards as far as he could go, passing the limits of his normal bunny body that he had had just yesterday.

"I really shouldn't! Uhhh, cold sore! Aheheh, you know!" Hatter's brow furrowed.

"Well I don't care about that!" He loomed over Rabbit even more until his startled "partner" slid down the smooth wood door, crawled between his legs, and stood back up. "AHH! I see. You wanna do this again!” Unlike any civilized person, Hatter pursued him around the living room, and Rabbit jumped over the furniture with surprising agility. The door, his only hope for escape, was again and again in view, but his attempts to reach it were futile. That crazy man's legs were too long and quick to make fleeing from him an easy option. "Come on now, we just woke up!" Hatter reasoned, taking a small break and huffing next to the coffee table. Rabbit backed into the sliding glass door, gripping the handle, when he realized it moved. Before anything else was said or done, he shoved the door out, opened the screen, and dashed into the yard. Hatter's confused cry from within the house fell on unsympathetic ears as he cut around the giant hat and ran into the forest, barefoot.

Hatter wandered towards his escape exit and peeked out both ends of the backyard. "Really, Hare?" He asked himself, hands raised.

* * *

In no time, Rabbit had reached the palace gates and brushed the rocks off of his feet before tripping into view of the courtyard. He scrambled behind a bush when he caught a familiar dash of sparkling red and listened in on the conversation.

"Then I want the pantry stocked, those coupons clipped, and lunch by noon sharp." Instinctively, he rolled his eyes before watching through the foliage, catching the Queen with none other than "himself". The sight of his own body somewhere else was making him light-headed.

"Oh dear God..." he said to himself, fingers beginning to curl.

"But before you do all of that, I want all of these plants watered! And NO funny business! I've got a serious hangover to kill, and I will not put up with your crap today." The "Rabbit" standing in front of her gave a peculiarly toothy smile and a salute: something he would never do. He looked like a godamn trainee at McDonalds.

Once she had left the courtyard, Rabbit came closer to his counterpart and watched as he sashayed past the potted begonias, wielding the watering can like a magic wand. He couldn't help but grumble before trying for his attention.

"He'a~!" His unfortunately nasal voice called. Hare perked up his ears and looked around. He spotted his own body peering from around the bushes and jerked back his neck. "Come here!" He stepped just a little closer. "Do you have any idea what's going on?!" Rabbit shook his hands vigorously and hovered them in the air like he might want to grab himself by the shoulders. The "Rabbit" thought about it a moment, placing a gloved hand on his fuzzy hip.

"Not a clue. I-I was kind of just going with it."

"What do you mean you were going with it?! I had to dodge that man's gigantic li-! Do you know where I woke up this morning?!" Hare's eyes journeyed the bushes, looking for an answer.

"I would probably guess you were... at Hatter's, and he was... making you breakfast?"

"...Not. Quite."

"He didn't make any moves on you, did he?"

"The fact that I had to experience, for even five minutes, what goes on between you when you're alone- t-t-t-that isn't the point! The point is I want back in my body and I want back in my body right now!" Hare giggled in a way Rabbit didn't much think flattered him and swatted his hands.

"I can't believe I'm yelling at myself!"

"Oh dear LORD. Get over here right now!" Hare nervously closed the distance between them with a sort of tip-toe, eyes darting. "Are you meaning to tell me that you are happy just snatching up my body and never giving it back?!"

Hare suddenly frowned. "No... It's not that... I just think it's kind of fun being you. How else would I ever get to spend so much time around the Queen?! She let me have one of her poptarts this morning!" He swished his hips a little with an open grin.

"Yyyyes, great for you," he sneered, making every wrinkle in his cinnamon complexion appear to the sides of his mouth, "but what am I supposed to do all day?! Furthermore-" Suddenly, he gasped. "Oh my word, the ball!" Hare looked around like maybe there was one rolling by.

"What ball?"

"Wonderland's 127th Independence Day Ball! The ball we were talking about just yesterday at dinner, you chucklehead!"

"Sorry! If you hadn't noticed, a lot of other things went on at dinner, too! Hatter had his hand- we danced."

Rabbit gave him an annoyed look. "Well. The point~ I was getting at~ is that this poses an eentsy weensty tiny weeny itty bitty problem, as you will not be able to handle that ball alone. I've trained for yea~'s to get it right. It's more delicate an art than any Japanese flower arranging-"

"O-hoh, come on, Rabbit – I think I can handle pouring champagne for a few hours," Hare assured, reaching for coat ends that weren't there and resorting to tugging at the air. Rabbit shook his head.

"First of all, it shall be much more than pouring champagne. Second, you have done no convincing job of acting like me at all this morning, I could tell merely by the Queen's posture, and third... The whole night – nay – day, you must be on rollerblades. Possible, for you? HMPH! I think not."

Hare looked down to his bare bunny feet and wet his lip. "Well, no, I thought about it, but I really can't roll around like that-"

"I will not allow you to humiliate yourself. Or rather, myself."

"Well then, how do you plan to fix this?!"

"How am I going to fix this?! It's probably something you did!" Hare opened his mouth in offense. "Hatter concocted something, didn't he?"

"No! Honestly!" Rabbit shook his head towards the sky. "Y-you saw him this morning! He must've been shocked!"

"I never told him it was me, I-... fine. So he had nothing to do with it, but I swea'~, if I have to fend him off of me one more time, I may resort to blunt objects."

Hare's pale wrinkly features immediately turned worrisome. "Please don't do anything to hurt him."

"I'll try, but I have a feeling it will get harder~..." He eyed his surroundings to make sure they were still alone. "The both of you stalk each other 24/7, don't you?" Hare's brow dropped, making it look like he had one white unibrow.

"Hey! I don't bitch about your lifestyle!”

“Well, yes, you do. Just yesterday you called me a tight-ass.”

“I-I'm sorry. Look. If you don't want to see him all day, just tell him your mother called. All I ask is that you don't be mean right to his face. He trusts me." Rabbit gulped at the sight of himself looking so serious over it.

"Right, well as long as you can endure the Queen. We've obviously got lives to live today but, since yours doesn't permit free time, I'll be the one getting to the bottom of this. Just stay in line, water the plants, order take-out if you cahn't cook, and put on those blades. She'll get suspicious if you don't. I fall enough in a day to make your accidents hardly noticeable." Hare nodded with every command, even unnerved by the thought of sliding on his ass all day. "Preparation for the ball generally starts at four. You have a phone where you can reach me and I expect updates."

"What if nothing changes by then?"

"Then... then... you'll just," he cringed as the thought came, "you'll just have to do the ball and make a fool of the Queen, and- and I'll never be allowed to go outside ever again-"

"Would you stop with that?! It's going to be fine."

"RABBIT!" The Queen's voice bellowed from somewhere beyond the throne room. Hare winked to his grimacing counterpart and skipped back to the center of the courtyard.

"I can be you better than you can!" He turned toward the direction of the voice. "YES, YER MAJESTY!"

"Why are you talking like that?!" She asked as she made the scene. Rabbit ducked behind the bush again. "Are you done watering the plants yet? I need some tea and I can't find it anywhere because you haven't stocked the pantry yet. You're slow as fuck."

"Ohhh, don't worry about it! Yo'aaaa imagining things! I'll get right on it, PIP PIP, CHEERIO."

Rabbit's hands went straight for his forehead.

* * *

Although he was absolutely sure by now that Hare would squash what reputation he had, Rabbit returned the way he came, not really sure of the exact location of his "home", but figuring he wouldn't wander for long. Wonderland was a lot smaller than it looked.

At the sight of Hatter's house to the left of the path, he gulped with uncertainty and passed with his breath held. Nobody appeared to be home anymore, but, then again, sometimes Hatter was suspiciously quiet in there. Rabbit thought he tried to be, just so he could scare his visitors.

It was like a thought materialized when the 'out' door slammed open and Hatter emerged like a Jack in the Box, complete with a dopey grin across his lips. He nearly caught his disarrayed buddy, but Rabbit was quick to hop for the bushes. He landed squarely on his nose but held to the affliction and quietly grimaced as the swift purple legs made their round. He grumbled to himself when the sound of his footsteps quieted, then reached for a nearby tree trunk to aid him to stance.

"Oh, radishes. He's probably off straight to He'a~'s. There's no way I can go back now!" His face scrunched into a pout when his stomach began to rumble. He looked down to the white curve of his belly and sighed deeply before stepping onto the path again, but his gaze lingered over Hatter's house. He slowly entered the gate, then hovered over the long table, surveying the smörgåsbord with a not-so-delighted expression. He had to squint to make it out with all of Hare's farsightedness, but his findings weren't exceptional. Nothing but junk food, tsk tsk.

He found himself shaking his head at the half-drank cups and the baked treats, many of which were contaminated by teeth marks. A waste indeed. However, the sight awakened a craving in him for something sweet. "Ehhh, I'd better not. My thighs would be next stop-- wait a minute..." He thoughtfully reached for a pink-tinted donut and turned it before his eyes. "In my real body, I would never think of indulging like this before lunch time... But in He'a~'s... why... it would do no harm what so ever!" He exclaimed to the air.

He met his bunny teeth to the donut and took a tentative nibble. His blank expression blossomed into ecstasy as the taste sunk in, his eyes widening as he chewed and swallowed hurriedly to speak. "Oh my word! Is that cherry-flavored powdered suga'~?!" He took another bite, and then another. "UNGHGH." Before he knew it, the donut once in his hand had completely disappeared. Almost coyly, his eyes fell upon another, just as colorful and promising as the first. As he reached for it, he hardly noticed the figure approaching him from behind. "Ohhh, fiddlesticks, these are just delectable! I say, I-"

"Mr. Hare?" The donut about to reach his mouth never made it. He took a deep breath, set his treat back on the table, and turned around, smiling to the girl with powder-covered lips.

"Oh, hello Alice."

"Hi," she responded with an amused strength in her voice, then looked him over with a cocked eyebrow. No jacket, no socks or shoes... Rabbit's eyes followed hers to the ground, where his bare feet stood far below his nose. He couldn't think of a reason for it on the spot, so he nervously crossed his arms.

"H-have a nice day at school?" He thought fit to ask. She nodded a little with her lips tight.

"Hanging out with Mr. Hatter today?"

"Oh! Eheheheh, not yet." The sound of his laughter alone wasn't flying right with this girl. She stepped a little closer, scrutinizing even his slightest move. "I mean I definitely will. Why wouldn't I? He is, after all, my best friend of many ye'a~s. Good good friend." He swished his hands enthusiastically and glanced towards the gate, wondering how he was going to get himself out of this one.

"What happened to your glasses? And your shoes?" The "Hare"'s forehead crinkled in distress.

"Uhhh-"

"-Playing Miwok again or something?"

"That's it. That's it." He shot his finger towards her and took a few steps towards his exit. "In fact, I was only making a fuel stop. If I don't hurry, I won't beat my own time! Gotta go!"

"But-" Before she could finish her sentence, he had jogged away with utmost haste.

* * *

When Rabbit got to Hare's house, he realized he didn't have a key, and it was likely sitting on some table in Hatter's house. That, or Hare was stupid and kept all his doors unlocked. Rabbit knew there were two likely scenarios about to take place, but he confidently strode towards the door, only to find that there was a note with cursive scrawl that said “went to find you at the palace. Will come back if you aren't there. <3, Hatter.” Whatever. Rabbit gripped the door handle and, what do you know, it was swung wide open.

As he entered, he mentally braced himself for the bizarre things that he would soon discover. However, he came to find that the house was a charming little space. The windows were all open and welcoming the sunlight. There was a circular rug made of rainbow yarn in the doorway, framed paintings of still-life, and an abundance of potted plants and vases of flowers. He stepped closer to the living room, which sported a matching couch and rocking chair in a light chocolate brown, though both were covered in colorful throw pillows with embroidery and even ruffles.

I mean, yeah, he knew right away that a gay man lived there, but that was many steps up from a 'crazy man', the usual way Rabbit thought to describe him when he revealed anything about himself.

When he took a better look, it was still clearly Hare's home, however. On the small, four-chaired dinner table was a collection of mail. He had to squint and hold it far away from his eyes, but Rabbit saw that he was holding up a new issue for members of the Hug A Chicken club. And when he got to the kitchen, he had a cup rack with some of the strangest pictures, like of skiing Clowns, and what looked like carrots doing a can-can around the width of the side.

The carrots reminded him that he was hungry, so he dug through the fridge and found a whole bag of sweet, delicious celery, much to his surprise, and snatched it up, chewing it as he surveyed the rest of the house. As he went up the stairs, he began to see a lot more photos of Hatter. In fact, they were invading the wall above Hare's desk, and even framed next to his bed. The bedroom wasn't as tidy as the rest of the house. Some of his clothes didn't make the laundry bin, and Rabbit tripped over a pair of his sneakers, which were the obnoxious color of Spearmint gum. There were comic books and drawings of birds, fruit, or birds shaped like fruit, popsicle sticks, and what looked like an unfinished board game, just sitting there. There was also a cup of tea, half-drunk, hanging out on Hare's bedside table, which had an alarm clock that looked more like a miniature juke box. And on top of it was an orange sticky note that read “remember to bring lobsters!” Rabbit rolled his eyes.

Lastly, there was the bathroom. If the living room looked like a gay man's, the bathroom looked like a toddler's who wanted to be simultaneously a pirate, a chef, a scuba diver, and possibly the Crocodile Hunter. Somehow, and beyond explanation, Hare had a bathtub as big as the Queen's, but he probably only had as much space as was in a normal one because there were toys all along the edges, and spilling inside. There were inflatable ducks, penguins, and even an otter that could lie flat on the water and hold... Milk Duds. At least, Rabbit surmised it by the empty box of them sitting on top of the otter. Water guns, nerf guns, ropes and a couple safari hats were also in the corner of the room. “Dear Lord,” Rabbit thought. “What goes on in here?”

He came back into the bedroom blank-faced, and decided he would go to the computer. Whatever had changed them much must've been some scientific bullshit, whether or not Hare had any personal hand in it, or had known he did. Rabbit turned the computer on and continued nibbling at celery, but he was getting a headache from all of the goddamned squinting! As Hare's desktop loaded, a blue logo spread over the center of the screen and Rabbit heard a “popping noise”.

“What the hell is this?” He wondered. He leaned back in his seat and tried to make out the words, when another window popped up, and a sort of music started playing that startled him. “My word, I, I, what is going on here~?” He clicked a random green button and a video came up of some woman with bunny ears. Rabbit's eyes enlarged, but she didn't say anything, just moved her hands around a lot. “What a strange video for He'a~ to have on his computa~,” Rabbit thought to himself aloud. He figured out where the “X” button was and gave himself a task.

“I-I guess I'll check the forecast.”

* * *

Knees killing him and strength expired, Hare was sweeping up the throne room with a missing twinkle in his eye. Except for the alarm clock and the lukewarm shower, the early morning ritual had been of some entertainment, but he couldn't believe how much work Rabbit had to do before even half the day was over. If he were back in his own body, he was sure he'd be either on Hatter's couch catching the last few minutes of Rachel Ray, or perhaps out in the yard gathering some veggies for later. He took a moment to stand as straight as he could, despite wobbling with those utterly handicapping blades, and pretended he was sucking in the fresh atmosphere of his garden. All he got was dusty palace air.

He bent down to sweep the dirt into a pan, on the verge of sliding one way or the other the whole time, when he heard a whistle from outside. His turn alone brought the wheels out from under him and his ginormous bunny ass met the floor. Luckily, his fluffy tail lessened the impact.

"Hi Rabbit~" Hatter greeted. He watched him step gracefully down the checkered floor and remembered he could come nowhere near him in this get-up. Instead, he gave him a friendly smile from the floor and timidly waved with his long white fingers.

"Oh, hello~! What brings you here?" He tried to respond with neutrality.

"Have you seen Hare around at all?"

Hare frowned, conjuring his most convincing answer. "Nope, I cahn't say that I have. That bloke is all 6's and 7's, idn't he?!"

"...What?"

He coughed. "Uh, nothing."

"That's odd. He told me he was visiting you like an hour ago." Hatter scratched the back of his head.

"OH! You mean Haaare!! Yes, he stopped by. I'm sorry, I'm just so old I forget these things all the time."

"Oh. Okay..." Hatter tilted his head and lent his hand out to him. Hare gulped before reaching for it, but the Rabbit's body proved to be more of a struggle to pull up than for either were prepared. As he slipped around a little, he fell into Hatter's arm, who reacted to the sudden tug by dropping forward and gripping Hare by the shoulder.

Once he could maintain his balance, Hare placed a hand over his heart. "PHEW! That was close, wasn't it? H'ha-ha-haehehgh!"

Hatter squinted. "Yyyyeah... so is he here, or what?"

"Well, he's not, but... Uhhh... I think he wanted time alone."

"Oh, then I guess I'd better head back-"

"N- wait!" Hare plead, placing a hand on his forearm. "Why don't you... stay here and keep me company?" He flashed a smile and Hatter could not remember a time he had seen so many of Rabbit's teeth. His disbelief at being asked was not lost on Hare at all and the smile drooped as quickly as it came. "I-I-I'm just rather tired, and I could use some... you know, sense of humor~ like yo'a~s." That sounded really British, he thought.

"You want... mmm-..." Hatter's lips squiggled up before he could clarify. "I... would, but... Hare and I actually had something planned today. I don't know why he just disappeared, but if he's mad at me, I figure I should find out."

"He's not mad at you!" "Rabbit" curled his fingers and raised them before his mouth. "I mean, he only had good things to say when I saw him, so..."

"What-... what exactly did you guys need to do this morning?"

"Ohhh... He was... borrowing a few books of mine. It, uh... turns out we have some common interests, and... even though I'm always mean to him, he wouldn't stop bothering me about them, so..." He swished his hands and nodded a little as the bullshit poured. "I just said 'here~'." Hatter sort of mirrored with nodding of his own.

"Well hey, that's Hare for ya. Never had one book late to the library. Punctual as ever." Hare raised his eyebrows in agreement. "Except that one time. And the dancing..." he murmured, losing his grin. "Well! I'd better let you get back to your work. Busy busy, right?! I'll see you at the ball tonight?"

"Oh, of course!" Hare faked approval of his leave as Hatter swished around, coattails and all, but he watched him longingly as their distance grew. It should've been against the law to look that good every day. Especially days when his partner was in the wrong body and was feeling guilty for withholding sex.

When Hatter glanced back, he caught the bunny with his hand on the railing of the gate, giving him the sparkling eye. It discomforted him greatly. As he disappeared into the forest, Hare took a deep frustrated breath and furrowed his brow, uninspired to return to his work and gripping to the gate like it was all he had left in the world.

A long brooding moment later, the call of "RABBIT" made him grate his teeth. He was the picture of sorrow when he came to face his Queen, and, strangely enough, her harsh features sagged with what might have been pity at the sight of her lackey not even jumping by the sound of her voice. "Rabbit, what has gotten into you?! First it takes you twenty whole minutes to tend the garden, you put all the dishes in the wrong spots, you tripped down the stairs, you wrestled with the vacuum and only managed to get half the palace done, and now you're off daydreaming. This just won't cut it if we plan to have a BALL tonight."

"I-I-I know, your Majesty, and I'm trying my hardest!" He tried to come forward carefully, but exerted the force to keep him rolling right past her. He gripped the table by the entrance and it tipped on its legs in support of the lethargic bunny.

"I know that, Rabbit. I suppose you're gonna tell me you're not feeling well."

"Oh no, no no no!~ I'm alright, I just usually have a few cups of tea by now. Hatter-”

“...Hatter?!”

“I mean Have'a!...Cup of Tea, keeps the doctor... away...” he muttered. The Queen raised her eyebrow. “I'll go sweep up that dirt. No worries, yer Majesty! Your faithful English bunny will have the palace spick and span!” He bowed repeatedly, but the Queen maintained her expression.

* * *  
For the first real time in the past 24 hours, Hatter was pretty annoyed. He had a good evening with Hare, tasting his ice cream, going for a late-night walk through the woods, and falling asleep after telling a bunch of really immature jokes. But it wasn't like Hare to wake up, run out the back door, and just be gone for half a day. And now he was borrowing books from Rabbit? To make it worse, Alice passed him on her way to God knows where with even more conflicting information.

He frowned as he treaded the path back towards Hare's house, hoping the Tweedles wouldn't see him wandering around by himself like some idiot.

When he reached the porch, his finger went straight for the doorbell. After a long long while, his partner opened the door. Hatter grimaced. His hair was slicked back with some pretty heavy-duty mousse. He was sporting a clean white button-down shirt, and a pair of brown slacks. Hatter covered his mouth with his hand and stumbled back, holding on to a pillar to keep from back-stepping any further. "Wh! G-"

"Oh, hello, Hatta~."

"Hare!"

"Can I help you?"

"Can I help you?" Hatter replied off-handedly. When his eyes reached the floor, he saw Hare was also sporting a pair of penny-loafers to match. "Did you get in a fight with your closet or something?"

"Hare" squinted. "Of course not. Don't be silly. One can only wear such juvenile clothing for so long in life. What am I, thirty-six? Thirty-seven?"

"...Thirty-four and a half," Hatter corrected with a weakened voice. He stared at him a moment longer, while “Hare” just gave him a bored look that suggested Hatter had hardly yet justified why he was there. Hatter collected himself and pulled a shirt and some glasses out of nowhere. “You left these back at my place." He held out the yellow button-down and "Hare" received it like it was riddled with anthrax.

"Ehhhh... thank you." He tossed it on a nearby shelf and put on the glasses. “Oh, that's better. My-”

"Alice said you were playing Miwok by yourself!” Hatter interrupted. “Now why in the world wouldn't you tell me about that?!"

“Hare” apparently lost interest in hanging around the doorway, so he sort of gestured over his shoulder for Hatter to come inside while he returned to what he was doing. “Practicing was more what I was doing~. Calm down, Hatta~.” But Hatter was pretty taken aback by all the open boxes on the floor. Not only that, but Hare had broken inventions of his that he was sure he'd never see again.

“Uhhh, what exactly are you doing?”

“Oh, you really have no idea, do you? Well, I'm just going to get to the bottom of it.”

“The bottom of what?”

“You know what I'm talking about.” Hatter watched as his most endearingly erratic partner sifted through various things while looking like some kind of door-to-door Jehovah's Witness. He looked very intent to find something, but Hatter was getting more exasperated by the second. He stepped back against the couch and crossed his arms, then tapped his fingers against his arms.

“The only thing I know is that you're acting really weird. Whg-did you just forget you were supposed to help me get a head-start on the Queen's hat for the annual garden party?!” “Hare” took his time answering. He closed a box, ran his fingers across his brow, stood up, and put a hand on his hip.

“Do I ever have a day to myself? Besides, the Queen has enough parties. Maybe if you don't make the hat, she'll give everybody a break.”

“But you love the garden party!”

“I suppose you're right; I do, don't I?” He answered, shoving a bunch of stuff back into the closet and scanning the room for further interests. “I'm the one who always double-dips in the dressing, as if it's all mine! Ohhh, nevermind~. Why don't you fix yourself some tea? There's enough for the entire kingdom. And here's the remote.” He leaned for it over the couch and slapped it into Hatter's highly hesitant hand. “I'll be busy, so go ahead and entertain yourself.”

Hatter sunk into the couch and turned on Wonderland's Most Extreme Break-Ins, but kept looking over his shoulder. He couldn't keep himself from making conversation with him, even though “Hare” seemed far too over him.

“I can't believe the Queen got drunk last night. I honestly thought if we sang a song, she'd brighten up.”

“Well, perhaps now you'll know a little better about, ugh, her,” he grunted, tugging at a drawer in the kitchen and taking a peek. “Nothing breaks her out of a bad mood, Hatta~. Her discontentment is much like the hangover she's likely having today – it simply has to pass~.”

“Hah, you sound like Rabbit. Was that some sort of imitation of him?” Hatter chortled, hoping “Hare”'s sense of humor was behind this entire personality change, but “Hare” was quietly investigating something and didn't seem to hear him. “Speaking of which, Rabbit's acting even stranger than you are.”

“Rabbit?” His partner looked up. “Don't be silly, now. He's the most civilized of all of us, really.”

Hatter leaned over the top of the couch. “Should I just go? I don't think this is very funny. And I guess we're not going to make that hat together.”

“Do as you like, Hatta~. It's good to get some fresh air, after all.”

Hatter lowered his face and turned off the television. “I'll see you at the ball, then. If you're even going.”

“I kind of have to. He'a-- Rabbit's bound to-... Oh, nevermind. Until later~,” “Hare” said with his back towards Hatter.

Hatter walked away from the house in a state of utmost confusion. If this were even a single flavor more of fucked up, he would have woken up by now and told Hare all about it. And they both would have shaken their heads with crinkled features, as if they had bitten into something incredibly bitter.  
Instead, he just kept making that face while returning home, but suddenly he heard music.

Part 3  
..........

Given the mood Hatter was in, he knew it was best not to see anyone and just return home for some therapeutic activity, like drinking tea, or working on his time machine, but music was one thing that could compel a Wonderlandian without doubt. His anxious stride ceased, and he looked in the direction of the music, then stepped off the path.

He followed the heavy bass through several yards of shrubbery, ducking under tree branches and clearing the leaves from in front of him, until he was met with a small clearing, where the Tweedles were practicing some dance moves next to a boom box, and it was indeed booming. He watched them for a minute, smiling to himself – at least some of his friends were acting decently today. Dum noticed him after a moment and cued in his brother, but they finished their routine and Dee turned down the boombox immediately after.

“Hatter! What're you doing here?” Dum asked.

“Oh, I-I was just returning from Hare's.” Hatter's answer was quiet and guilt-ridden, and he stepped away from the trees with his hands shuffling like they didn't quite know what to do with themselves.

Dee gave Hatter a side-squint. “Are you having an argument or something?”

“Nooo, nope, he's just busy.”

“Well aren't you usually... busy... together?” In that moment that Hatter was silent, Dee thought to correct himself: “and I meant that in a completely platonic sense. Sort of.”

“Yeah, I know what you meant,” Hatter started, but he shrugged his shoulders. “Can't a Hatter just have some time to himself?” For whatever reason, he didn't want to tell the Tweedles what was going on back there. To him, it felt like Hare had some kind of contagious disease. He found a nearby tree stump and slumped down with his knees together and his fingers laced. This, paired with his wistful expression, really did make him look like a grieving family member in a hospital waiting room. Dee and Dum gave each other a knowing glance and stepped towards Hatter.

“Okay, clearly you're fighting,” Dee said, but Hatter shook his head.

“No, we are not. But I feel like, all of a sudden, he's sick of me.”

“Hare? 'Sick of you'? I don't think that's possible, Hatter.”

“Yeah, I mean, every time he doesn't get to hang out with you, he just mopes around like it's the end of the world. It's kind of annoying-,” Dum said, before Dee nudged him in the arm.

“Tsch. Well, everyone has their limits. Maybe he finally reached his.”

Dum and Dee were incredulous, but both gave Hatter a pat on the shoulder. A most uncomfortable silence followed until all three looked up at the sound of rustling bushes. “Goddamnit!” A very winded voice echoed through the trees. The trio stood up and started investigating, only to find that a white shape was rising from the bushes and making its rounds without much coordination. In no time, “Rabbit” realized he was being watched and collapsed on the ground, huffing and puffing.

Hatter and the Tweedles came to help him up, but he just kept rolling around, unable to get his balance. Eventually they just dropped him and tried not to pay attention to the fact that, below the waist, “Rabbit” was covered in powder-fine dirt and his fur was sticking out in all kinds of directions. He sighed to himself and said “hey, guys...”

“Hi, Rabbit... What's up?” Dum asked.

“Nothing's up. Everything's down and I'm completely screwed!” He answered, dusting himself off and trying to stand. He balanced himself up against a tree. While the Tweedles awkwardly scratched their heads in pity, Hatter just stood there, quiet and exanimate, clearly distracted from caring about anyone else's problems, but he saw that “Rabbit” noticed right away and seemed to be giving him a concerned stare while gripping to the tree. The corners of Hatter's mouth drooped as he averted his eyes, but Dee was quick to end the silence.

“The Queen's keeping you pretty busy, huh?” “Rabbit” snapped out of it.

“I'll say. I've never worked this hard in my life!”

“Wow, that bad, huh?” Dum said.

“Yeah, and, I mean, all things considered, I was almost staying on top of everything, but now her Majesty wants me to take this ring to the royal jeweler so she can wear it to the ball! And you should see her ring collection! Money problems, my ass! Hatter and I had every right to get two pots of tea last nigh-.” All the while he was swishing and gesturing his hands, but he stopped as everyone's gaze on him grew sharp in disbelief. “I mean Hatter and Hare. That's what I meant. I'm just tired. ...And put it all together, Ra- the-the Queen keeps calling me and telling me what to do... If I could, I'd throw this phone into the Wonderland Springs.”

His tone the entire time threw off his listeners, not to mention the upbeat and highly non-English inflections. Hatter thought that, for the first time, Rabbit seemed like he could be normal. He cleared his throat. “Sorry, Rabbit.”

Suddenly, “Rabbit” turned to him with his brow sloping like a tent in frustration. “Oh, you don't have to be sorry! It's not your fault! At the very least, tell me you'll have a good time tonight,” he started, then scrunched up. This was not coming off like the Rabbit they all knew and not-hated-nor-particularly-loved at all. “Rabbit” checked in all directions before saying: “you don't mind if I take a little break, do you?”

Everyone slowly shook their heads and helped “Rabbit” roll to the clearing, where he dropped to the stump on which Hatter had been moping and unlatched his rollerblades. He chucked them a good distance away and raised his face to the sky with his eyes closed, taking in the feel of the breeze against his sweaty fur. The Tweedles and Hatter sat nearby, trying to get back to normal conversation.

“Well, anyway, Dum and I were practicing a little number for the ball. We figured we'd surprise the Queen with a little tribute.”

“Oh, that's neat...” Hatter trailed, watching “Rabbit” out of the corner of his eye for any more suspicious behavior.

“Want us to show it to you?”

“Why not?”

The music started again, and the Tweedles tried their best to turn their two guest's frowns upside down, and it seemed to be working. Both Hatter and “Rabbit” were entertained by their synchronous jumping and Dum's over-the-top gymnastics. About halfway through the song, Hatter stood up and turned the Tweedles' number into an improvised expression of friendship, one so tempting for “Rabbit” that he just shot up and hooked arms with Hatter as if it was the most natural thing to do. For a split second, Hatter went along with it; then he realized who was his dancing partner. Everyone froze, except “Rabbit”, who furrowed his brow and said quite indignantly “what, I can't dance too?!”

Hatter looked him straight in the eye and sensed something was completely off, just as he had earlier, but the Tweedles didn't question it. Dum pressed a button on the boombox and a new song started up.

* * *  
Despite the morning's strange occurrences, it was a sparkling summer day, and the boys were running through a field, swiping their hands across the pink foliage of the woeberry trees and laughing their heads off. After a dance in the forest and a pit-stop at Hatter's for some lemonade, they played a prank on the Caterpillar and then ran as far away from the area as possible. Nevermind that Caterpillar couldn't have even chased them, being that his body was the shape of a stack of donuts and the weight of several king size mattresses, an observation whose first half was made by Hatter, and the ladder half by “Rabbit”. When they were done being amused by this, “Rabbit” tripped and rolled to the ground, and the others copied him, figuring he was just kidding around. Instead, he sort of hit his head on a stone and laid there a minute while the others were making comments about the shapes of clouds. Eventually, Dee glanced over and saw, through the tall blades of grass, that there was a motionless mound of fur about ten feet away.

“Rabbit, are you okay?” A glove-clad hand rose and cupped itself over his head.

“Yeah, I'm fine... Just hot.”

“Me too. I think it's time to go back home; at least, for me,” Dee said.

“No, I hear you, brother.” The Tweedles stood up and dusted themselves off. Hatter did the same. “We'll see you guys at the ball?”

Hatter reassured them, but he took his time on his way off. “Rabbit” was clearly struggling to get up again and looked wearily over to the blades that he had dropped. Hatter rolled his eyes and stepped in front of him. “You need some help?”

“I...I...” And the bunny looked around first before taking his hand. “That's very kind of you, Hatter~,” he tried to say in a British manner. He took a few deep breaths, hoping for another cool breeze. The Wonderland forest was a vast and beautiful place, but the body Hare had today was very susceptible to the heat, and his surroundings looked more like an obstacle course of green and pink, promising to claim him before he ever returned to the palace.

“You don't look so good,” Hatter noted. “Rabbit” clutched his blades and stood up.

“I think I should've had more lemonade.” Hatter chuckled as they made their way back into the forest.

“Let's ditch this joint, then.”

* * *

At the Wonderland ice cream parlor, Hatter and “Rabbit” took a rather intimate table in the corner. Hatter was enthusiastically licking a triple-fudge ice cream cone, and “Rabbit” had the Rainbow Pop-Rock Swirl. Hatter wanted to point out that it had long been Hare's favorite, but he didn't feel like bringing up Hare today. It was enough of a miracle that “Rabbit” wasn't questioning him about being alone. In fact, as Hatter observed his companion, he found that he was full of glee about this treat, and there was nothing in his posture that suggested he felt odd to be just hanging around an ice cream shop with him.

“Rabbit, I can honestly say, I never thought this,” and he swished his hand, “would be happening. I don't think my day could get any weirder, frankly. I hope you don't take offense to that.” “Rabbit” glanced at him, flushed air out of his nose, and smiled widely to his own lap.

“No, I don't. But I'm glad you came along. People don't, uh... well, they don't give me a lot of attention.”

“Well, most of the time you don't act like you want anyone to give you attention.”

“Rabbit” inhaled like a thought was just at the end of his tongue, but hesitated. “Ehhh, well, yes, I suppose you've got a point! I just get distracted. You know, my hours are brutal, the Queen shows up out of nowhere... I've gotta make sure I don't have my tail cut off, you know?!”

Hatter couldn't stop from chuckling. “Yes, I know what you're saying, but don't trade a heart for a tail, now! You can have both!” “Rabbit” giggled too, though he abruptly quieted himself.

“You're right. In fact, just yesterday Hare called me a tight-ass, and I was quite upset! But then I realized that, yes, I should stop being such a tight-ass!” Hatter's mouth dropped in even harder laughter, but “Rabbit” was way ahead of him. “Hghaghagghaghghahghahha!”

And as the ice cream atop their cones grew smaller and smaller, talk of all kinds of things filled the time and made it speed by. If Hatter had known what knowledge Rabbit had of tea, or of recipes, or of all the outrageous shows they had on the Hat Channel, they would've talked all the time, he thought.

“Well, I think you've definitely succeeded at not being a tight-ass anymore, and you seem happier. ...Hare has great advice.” Hatter paused as his gaze dropped to the table. “Usually. On a good day...”

“I-I'll tell him 'thank you',” “Rabbit” trailed.

“Why would you tell him 'thank you' for me?!”

“Oh, well, just to save you some time! If I saw him before you did! Besides, I should anyway; I'm the one who took the advice.”

“Fair enough,” Hatter replied, his eyelids half closed. “Rabbit” was afraid to look him in the face for too long. There were things about it just cuing a long battle of expressions that would usually ensue if he were in the right body, but, as he was not, Hare had to resort to stifling giggles and finally stuffing the cone in his mouth. Hatter shook his head with facetious disapproval. “So what are you doing before the ball?”

“The ball?” Hatter darted his eyes around, but “Rabbit” started to sink in his seat as if his own sudden angst was a black hole, swallowing him. “Oo-oh God!" He shot up from his seat. “I've gotta go!” He rushed out of the parlor, taking one bite of the cone and throwing the rest over his head. Hatter had to dodge it as he followed. “Oh, my time management is AWFUL! I just realized all the things I have to do, and there's no way I'll make it!”

“I-I could help you!” Hatter shouted from behind him. “Rabbit” shot around.

“Are you serious?” Hatter caught sight of “Rabbit”'s grey-green eyes, the same ones that has been squinting impetuously at his partner only a day prior.

“W-well I have awful time management, too, but maybe two of us have a fighting chance.”

“Oh, Hatter!” He responded. Hatter could've sworn for a second that he looked on the verge of throwing his arms around his shoulders. Instead, he fidgeted and finally struck his hand into his vest pocket. “Here! Take this ring to the royal jeweler, and then meet me at the courtyard gate. I'll let you in!”

Hatter's eyes widened as he took the ring, feeling, for some reason, like a Svengali, perhaps because Rabbit's interests were never his, but nevermind that! Nevermind anything! For the first time on this day, he had a purpose! He dashed off with the ring in his fist, and his fist high in the air. Hare laid his hand over his heart and gazed in his direction until he disappeared into the trees.

What a man.

* * *

“Rabbit” seemed way too giddy leading Hatter through the palace gates when he returned. If he didn't know better, he'd think there was some kind of perverse excitement for him about getting caught by the Queen, even though he was obsessively jerking his head in every direction to make sure she wasn't coming. Hatter didn't want to be rude, so he let himself be tugged to safety despite how tightly those 70-year-old hands were clasping his forearm. To make matters worse, the bunny was sliding all over the place and knocked him right in the shin with his back wheels on accident. Hatter expected the journey to be short and for safety to be just around the bend, but as they passed various rooms, like the royal lounge and the royal ballroom, then several halls and a twisting passage way with windows revealing the royal gardens, he got a bit exasperated.

“Rabbit, no offense, but, will you just pick a place, already? What do I have to do to help, anyway?”

“Uhh, sorry, Hatter! I guess I just got a little confused. I was looking for the royal dining room. The Queen wants me to set the table.”

“You? Confused? Couldn't you navigate this place in your sleep by now?”

“Well! Igh...” He thought this one out. “Maybe ten years ago, but my brain is half cobwebs by now.”

“Since when?!”

But before “Rabbit” could answer, they entered the next room bubbling with laughter, and that room happened to be the throne room somehow. “Well that's funny. How did we end up-” “Rabbit” started, before he spotted the Queen stomping in from the garden with the portable phone in her hand.

“Rabbit? Is that you? Where've you been?! And what was all that laughter about?!”

Hatter's jaw dropped, and before the Queen could see him he scrambled into the hallway they had just entered from, all the while being helped along by his companion, who was a little too careless about which body-parts he shoved out of view. He almost fell face-first, but successfully tumbled over to his side and backed into the wall. From behind the door, he could hear “Rabbit”'s nervous laughter, like a machine gun... Like a machine gun...

He couldn't exactly make out the muffled conversation that followed, until the Queen's voice rose: “Did I TELL you I wanted that done today?! Didn't I give you an already indecent list of chores?! I swear, it's like you forgot there's a ball! Out of my way.” And with that, Hatter heard the sound of rollerblades smacking the floor, and a thud. “Oh!! For Christ's sake!”

When the door swung open, Hatter was glued to the wall with his arms and legs as tightly against his body as if he were in a coffin, and he didn't dare breathe, but he could see in the corner of his eye that “Rabbit” was down on the floor with his hand stretched towards the open door. The Queen looked Hatter up and down.

“What the hell is this?”

“Uhh, uhh!” “Rabbit” struggled for stance and dusted himself off. “Don't you remember, your Majesty? It's a... statue.” The Queen squinted with her hands on her hips, hardly impressed.

“Well it doesn't match. Get rid of it.”

“Are you sure?” At that, the Queen turned around and gaped at him. “I mean, I-I don't think it looks horrible, it-”

“Are you kidding me? That thing's TACKY. It looks just like Hatter, right down to the T. It's like a creepy Wax Museum replica. I don't want that in my palace. It's enough seeing him in person.”

“Alright, I'll make sure to move it,” he answered gravely, but Hatter noticed he made eye-contact with a tiny smile on his face. However, a very uncomfortable silence followed, in which the Queen darted her eyes between servant and statue and then began to tap her foot.

“Well?”

“Oh! You wanted me to move it... right now.”

The Queen had locked in a face of most impatience, so “Rabbit” slapped his hands together and approached the statue. Hatter started to get anxious. Their combined weight on all those wheels? It wasn't looking like a promise. Once “Rabbit” was in front of him, he glanced at the Queen again just to make sure this had to happen right in front of her, then his arms tucked around the back of Hatter's legs and he attempted to thrust him up like he really was made of wax. The closest thing to success that he achieved was a repeated tugging motion before the group heard a whole bunch of cracks. Rabbit looked up to Hatter, who badly wanted to shake his head, as if to say “you should've never done that”, then rolled down to the floor like jelly.

“Rabbit?” The Queen asked in more of an exasperated tone than a concerned one. “Are you okay?”

“What happened?” “Rabbit” responded, with a voice that sounded like he'd been punched in the gut and a gaze that traveled the room in agonized confusion.

“Well it sounds like you threw out your back. Oh harumph! Just what I need!” She looked down to her lackey, who propped himself up like he might want to walk it off, but rolled over with a hand covering his hip and pressed his cheek against the tiles. “Oy. Hold on a second. I'll get some ice,” she said, and she walked off. Hatter's eyes were starting to glaze from blink-deprivation, but once she was out of sight, he looked down.

“Are you okay?”

“Nope, not at all.” Hatter tented his brow for about half a second before their previous conversation came to mind.

“I can't believe she called me tacky.”

While “Rabbit” was administering himself a lower-back rub, Hatter's pondering continued, until he looked down. “Do you need help getting up?”

“No, don't. I'm afraid to move, actually,” he answered, and his words were plagued with anxious giggling again. “But... but don't worry about the Queen - she doesn't know what she's talking about,” “Rabbit” continued, when a shadow covered him. He took his hand from over his eyes and saw that she was somehow back in a flash, holding a bag of ice, but looking like she might use it to give him a good spanking.

“What's that, you said?”

“Uhh, nothing.”

“And to WHOM were you speaking?”

“T-there's not a single 'whom' in the entire palace besides you and me, yer Majesty.”

The Queen squished her lips together and tossed the ice at him. “I don't have time for this.” And, with that, she glared at the statue before exiting in a very flustered state.

* * *

About twenty minutes later, Hare was propping up his fluffy Rabbit body up in a cushy chair in the conservatory. In front of him were twenty-seven elegant vases and a whole mound of red roses. He scrolled down his list of chores and said “Hatta~” as British-ly as he could, and the door to the closet behind him opened up and Hatter saluted him. “I'll give you the roses and you trim off the leaves, okay? Then I'll tie them all up with ribbons.”

“Righty-roo,” Hatter replied, then tip-toed towards the table and took the roses and a pair of clippers. He closed the closet door behind him, and it remained closed for about ten seconds as Hare sighed to himself, but suddenly it swung open. “By the way? Rabbit? Thanks for taking the fall, literally, for me. I thought it seemed more like you just to have me leave rather than come up with some front about statues.”

“Ehh, well,” he tried to respond more like his persona, “it's the least I could do. I need your help, especially now that I pulled something. In fact, it's too bad you can't give me a backrub!- Back-hand-... give me a hand, with the... table.” During the entire sentence, his face contorted into various shapes, then settled for a frown that made his mouth look like a gate with a broken hinge.

“Why can't I? I said I'd help.” “Rabbit” darted his eyes around.

“Nevermind. I don't know where I was going with that.”

Hatter threw up his hands, equally lost, and began to prune the roses with the closet door ajar. “Well... and I'm sorry you threw out your back,” he muttered. “I know how that one feels.”

“Rabbit” crossed his arms with a smile creeping up his face. “Yes, I know. I thought you'd never get better,” he said to the window, where the trees swayed in the wind, perhaps promising a breeze that would tame the humid night and keep him from fainting on the job. He got lost in that hope as the ice numbed his body, and his eyes began to close, but still, he smiled.

“I guess I was a little overbearing, wasn't I?” Hatter asked, breaking up the sound of snipping clippers.

“Hm?”

“You remember! That time we shared your bed. Hah, I thought it was fun staying here, but now that I think about it, all the signs said you wanted me out as soon as possible!”

“Of course not!” “Rabbit” answered, straightening himself in the chair, then sinking back down. “I mean, uhh... uh... Let's just forget about the past. Maybe I was annoyed, but that's just because you move around too much in bed.”

“I know! It's genetic, I think,” Hatter placated, “totally beyond my control. And I distinctly remember, on the third night, that I kneed you in the asscrack. I apologize for that.” The bunny whose back remained towards him was shaking his shoulders by now, but keeping his face well hidden. Hatter leaned out the closet door to make sure this was amusement of forgiveness and not just Rabbit bursting into tears about his awful life. It was hard to read him from there, so he returned to his work, but less than carefully. “AHH!”

“What's the matter?” Despite what wonders the ice was doing, “Rabbit” twisted around and saw blood oozing from Hatter's finger. Instinctively, he squirmed out of his seat with his hand on the afflicted spot, then shuffled on his knees. “Is it bad?”

“I would say so; yes!”

“Wait a minute – I'll find you a bandaid!” Hatter watched as the bunny reached for the counter-tops and opened drawers with a less than perfect coordination. Hatter got up and aided him until he found a small white box, but as he was opening it, he tripped right over “Rabbit”'s leg and went down right next to him. When Hatter rolled to face him, Rabbit saw that he was sucking his finger.

“Hatter, don't suck your blood,” he said.

“Sorry, I got nervous.” He popped out his finger and grimaced.

“Let me see it,” “Rabbit” grunted. Hatter lent his hand without questioning. “It doesn't look too bad – I've gotten worse cuts before.... Oh, but I can tell it hurts,” he muttered while Hatter's eyes were averted. He spent a longer time than Hatter would have preferred examining his finger and blotting it with alcohol. He felt the bandaid close over the cut, but then the glove-clad hands, previously brushing against his skin, paused completely, and when Hatter dared to gauge his expression, he found that “Rabbit” was on his way to crying. It was pretty much the most awkward moment of his entire life.

“Uhm.”

“Hatter... If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?” Hatter inhaled like he knew the answer right away, then furrowed his brow.

“Because I... I... today s-... It just felt like today-- Hey, you asked me for help.”

“Yeah, but when would you have cared if I asked you for help? I'm- I'm Rabbit, for God's sake!” Hatter tensed up.

“Well it's not that I didn't care all those other times, I just-”

“You had someone else. I-I mean you had enough to do. We haven't exactly ever had much to do with- with... Oh, I'll just come out and say it: why aren't you with Hare?” The way “Rabbit” wouldn't look him in the eye sent up all kinds of uncomfortable flags for Hatter based on his experience with that behavior, so many that he finally realized he should withdraw his hand. He found that the bandaid he had received was heart-patterned.

While Hatter was realizing the implications, the real Rabbit was at the palace gates, wondering why the Queen was being such a bitch.

He found her flopping breathlessly into her throne with a hand lowering a portable phone, but when she noticed the strange man outside the courtyard, her eyes bugged out of her head. After an argument about who he was, she came to the gates, squinted, and finally recognized her “favorite” Wonderlandian.

“I promise I'll be quick, yo'a~ Majesty, I just need to speak with him for five minutes.”

“You can forget about it! He's already behind on his chores!” And the Queen stamped her foot more furiously than usual, causing “Hare” to flinch.

“I-I understand that, but it was my intent to keep him on track,” he started. “Funny as it sounds...” The Queen craned her neck back and forth.

“Why would he need to be supervised by you?! If you were the one preparing for this ball, I'd have more luck having no servant at all. And what the hell's up with this?” she added, swishing her hand at his Jehovah's Witness clothes.

“I-I.. it seemed like a more reasonable thing to wear. You see, I wanted to, um, apologize about last night. It was very troubling for Hatta~ and I to've complicated dinner. From now on, I'd like to try being more helpful.”

“Hare” nodded politely and held his hands together in front of him, but his hair was starting to break from the binds of his mousse and strike up like antennas. The Queen thought this one over, incorporating his penny-loafers, his strange accent, and the drunken blur that was dinner into her many years of memories with this man, then answered accordingly:

“I really don't give a shit, Hare. Now go away.”

“B-but, but, but I cahn't! This is very important!”

“Not more important than my ball!”

“But it's about your ball! Rabbit just needed my help, uh... testing my Carrots Jubilee recipe. I lent it to him and he doesn't want to mess it up.”

“Carrots Jubilee?! I never told him to make Carrots Jubilee!”

“I mean, uh, uhhh, it was something that started with a C, perhaps I forgot exactly-. You know how many recipes he has, but I can assure you it was something you picked. Actually, he's ahsked for my culinary advice before, and it's done wonders,” he rambled, in all truthfulness despite its desperation. The Queen just made a chatty-cathy gesture and rolled her eyes, completely overlooking the fact that “Hare”'s were glazed over with tears from angst. He watched her stroll away and slumped against the fence.

Although the idea of breaking any rule that her Majesty ever set forth was outside of his sphere of consideration, something -- perhaps the fact that he was outside his own body -- made him reconsider staying where he was. After all, this one in particular had no care for such strict regulations. The gate was wide open, and Rabbit knew better than anyone that the palace was not exactly up on its security. Even so, he tip-toed inside with as much caution as if the throne room were a bank vault with a laser alarm system, then disappeared down the royal hall.

* * *

Back in the conservatory, things were getting heated. “Hatter, it's not like that! I just wouldn't want you two to be fighting about something- something so silly!”

“Rabbit, I know we've talked a lot today – honestly, I've enjoyed it – but this is really not a conversation I want to have with you.”

“Well you're not having it with Hare... and if not with anybody, it's just going to eat at you. Besides, I thought you were going to make that hat today! It could've been a great time to discuss your relationship.”

“Rabbit, I really- How'd you know about the hat?” Hatter asked, and their tense union of faces above the first aid kit ceased. “Rabbit” retracted and spat out as easily as pie:

“He told me.”

“Oh, did he now? It seems like he's been talking to you a lot! It must've been to complain about the Queen's parties, as that's all I heard about today.”

“Nooo! Oh, don't listen to him. He's just having a rough day. There's no one who doesn't like the Queen's parties. Not even me!” He answered, hand on his heart. Hatter just sat there, mouth agape, like the world as he knew it was upside-down. “And I'm ashamed of you for shirking me off- I mean shirking off Hare just because you weren't on the same page about everything. You never have been anyway.”

“Yes, we have!”

“Believe me. You haven't.” Hatter chuckled defensively.

“Why would I believe you? Are you some kind of expert on us?” “Rabbit” stumbled over his words. “And how do Hare and I not get along?”

“Well, for one, you assume he wants just as much sugar in his tea as you do. I mean, seriously, lay off. For two, whenever you visit, you're never patient with him; it's always 'let's go! Let's do what I want! Nananananannaa.' And you're never happy with what he brings back from the grocery store! As if he's just supposed to be psychic!” Hatter gasped.

“N- I give him lists! If I tell him what I want, then he doesn't need to be psychic!”

“Well that's another point entirely – it's always about what you want! A relationship is mutual. You know? If I feed you ice cream, then later you should give me a backrub instead of roll over and pretend you're asleep.”

“But how do you know all of this? What, is Hare complaining to you in his spare time?”

“Rabbit's” brow furrowed. “N-no, that's not it; there's just things I notice! You know, I'm old and no one pays attention to me, so it's easy to pass judgment on others.”

Somehow, Hatter didn't question it in his delicate state. Instead, he slumped over and gazed mournfully out the window. “Oh, you're probably right. There must be something wrong if I woke up and Hare treated me like I had raging syphilis, then proceeded to avoid me all day and do everything but tell me I should leave.”

“I told you it's nothing to be concerned about! It's just that time of the month.”

“I-I guess, but-”

“You should go and make up!”

“I-I just never thought you cared about our relationship. I mean Hare and I's.”

“Of course, I care! It's the most beautiful thing ever! I-I mean I. I just hope I can have the same thing before I... you know... kick the bucket."

As Hatter was stunned by emotional confusion, they heard “harumph”ing headed towards them. “Oh God, the Queen's coming!” Hatter sprung up and darted for the closet, but “Rabbit” gripped his arm and looked up to him sternly. “You've gotta go.”

“But I don't know how to get out of here!”

“Just go out that door and see where it takes you,” “Rabbit” assured him while tugging and shoving him in its direction. When Hatter opened it, he stumbled into sunlight and found himself in the garden. He dashed away without thinking.

* * *

As Rabbit was slouching over a familiar counter-top in the royal kitchen, nibbling on a bran muffin with his eyes half-closed, he heard trudging coming down the stairs, which didn't sound graceful enough to be the Queen's heels. It sounded more like a bunch of rolling wheels. He went to check the stairwell, and surely enough, Hare was coming down the steps with a notion of life or death in his mind as he gripped the railing. His eyes wandered to the sight of his own body and that took his feet right out from under him. As he was tumbling all the way down the stairs, Rabbit stepped out of the way but couldn't help but wince at seeing the pain his own body was in once it was lying on the floor in front of him.

Hare began to groan as he held his hip. Finally, Rabbit reached out and gave him a hand, but Hare could do no more than use it to bring himself to his knees. “Rabbit, this body is not working out.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

“It was funny at first, but now! Everything's in pain, and I can't even get Hatter's attention anymore. I mean you're so old-"

"Okay, I get it-"

"I looked in the mirror and thought I had died! It was the perfect lighting for it and everything-”

"I said I get it, He'a~," Rabbit reiterated, leaning toward him with a twitching eyelid. "Don't think I've enjoyed looking like you. Everywhere I go, I feel like the 80's threw me up. Because I tasted bad." Hare puckered his lip and found it a very hard time doing so given his teeth were now twice as large.

“Well, I hate to point it out, but you look about as tasty as that muffin now.”

“This is a very tasty muffin,” Rabbit asserted.

Hare rolled his eyes, then asked “how'd you get in here” with his fingers gathering the bridge of his nose.

“I walked right through the throne room.”

“Oh.”

“How's this all going? You haven't fallen too far behind on your wor~k, have you?”

“No, of course not. I finished the flower cutting, I did the shopping, mopped and vacuumed, baked the cookies... Fixed the Tiki Bar...”

“Well, good to know, because I shouldn't even be here helping you. The Queen has no idea-” Rabbit started, but Hare shouted right over him.

“But I don't want to be in this body anymore!”

Rabbit watched himself cry in his hands for a second before averting his eyes. “We've been through this, He'a~; I don't hahve any ahnswers for you yet. We're just going to have to hope that this spell or whatever the bloody hell it is wears off in due time.”

“Due time?! I think it might be 'due time' that Hatter doesn't love me anymore. He hasn't spent time with you all day, because he thinks I don't like him anymore. I shouldn't have told him we couldn't have sex-”

“Ogh, please!” Rabbit abruptly grimaced and covered his eyes, despite the fact that it did nothing to block out mental images. “Would you just calm down?”

“What's happened between you? Why didn't you guys make that hat?!”

“Because I was busy trying to figure out why we switched bodies! Oh, for Heaven's sake – Hatta~ loves you; trust me. When I was ignoring him, he looked quite sad about it.”

Hare inhaled with another question in mind just as the door at the top of the stairs opened. He scrambled for stance and swatted his hands towards him. “Just pretend you're a statue!”

“I-I-, what? I'm not gonna-”

“RABBIT – I NEEDED 29 VASES; THERE AREN'T ENOUGH.”

By then, the Queen was making her way down, so Rabbit flung himself towards the wall by the refrigerator, hoping the shadow it created would hide him from view. The Queen stopped at the foot of the stairs and took a look around to make sure Rabbit wasn't slacking, but she was surprisingly observant today. “What's Hare doing down here?”

“I-it's just another statue, yer Majesty~"

“No, it's not; I would never buy anything that ugly!” She turned towards “Hare”. “Hare, if you think you can screw around with my bunny on the day of the ball, you're trippin' assholes.” “Hare” bit his lip and stepped out from the shadow, eyes darting from his diva to his double.

“Pardon my honesty, yo'a~ Majesty, but you don't understand. If I don't stay here, something disastrous might happen."

"I thought we sorted this shit! I saved you, you saved me, and I'm in no immediate danger. If your mother is meddling again, I-"

Suddenly all three of them were speaking at once, their voices tangled into an argument of not much coherence. Finally, the Queen threw up her hands and started swishing towards the door. “I don't care what this is about! Hare, you will leave my palace and let Rabbit get back to work, or you won't be allowed at the ball!”

The two bunnies shared a crestfallen glance and followed her up the stairs with their heads low.

Part 4  
..........

At half past five, Dum and Alice were having a chat at the bridge. Dum was wearing a decent button-down for once, with a black vest and slacks, and Alice had on her best dress, which was fittingly blue and ruffly around her knees. She tugged at the sash around her shoulders and giggled as Dum told her the joke from earlier about the Caterpillar. As their laughter died down in an almost awkward fashion, Alice was able to hear footsteps from around a bend of trees. “Hey, I think Dee's coming now,” she said.

“Took him long enough.”

However, it was Hatter who stepped out, and he was approaching the two of them with intense purpose, his fists clenched and his eyes threatening to escape his head. Dum considered hiding behind Alice, but it was too late. “DUM, I need to speak with you!” Hatter shouted on his way over, and then he scooped up his arm. “Alice, we'll be just a moment,” he added, while poor Dum was dragged off without a say in the matter, which was always the fate of the little guy.

They hurried a certain distance from Alice, then Hatter threw himself against a tree, breathing deeply. Dum just crossed his arms. “What's this all about?”

“I need to talk to someone. About my FEELINGS.”

Dum's shoulders tensed. “Why don't you just talk to the Caterpillar? Isn't he everybody's therapist?”

“He knows nothing of passion.”

“Woh, woh, woh, and who says I want to know about yours?”

“You're the only one who'll understand.”

“About your passion?” Dum clarified, almost seeming outraged. Hatter curled his fingers and ran them over his forehead.

“Look, it's not what you think. I just... Do you ever feel like maybe Rabbit... is lonely?” Dum could tell that this was no joke, and his eyes bulged accordingly, but Hatter waited for an answer.

“...I think he gets enough of us, actually. Unless you meant... in a different way.”

“Well I mean, I-I mean, I... I wouldn't pin-point any way in particular.” Dum really had nothing to add to this train of thought, so Hatter broke off from the tree and struck his hands in front of him, hoping an explanation with gestures would make it all clearer for his listener. “I just mean today didn't it seem like Rabbit needed us, because of the ball, because the Queen is always keeping him busy?” Dum tried and failed to nod. He ended up looking over his shoulder to make sure Alice was still out of hearing range. “I-I spent some time with him today and I just... felt something. I feel like I know him for the first time. ...And he's marvelous,” Hatter half-whispered, his eyes turning to the glistening treetops. Old, sturdy trees, they were... yet they created such colorful blossoms, which swayed freely in the wind like the spirits of fairies...

When Dum saw this musing taking place, he stepped back a ways. “Jesus, Hatter, it seems like you fall in love every week, but this has got to be the strangest infatuation yet."

Suddenly, Dee walked up out of nowhere, equally well dressed for the occasion, asking “Infatuation? With what?” before he came face-to-face with Hatter's all too familiar expression. “Oh. Nevermind.” He stood next to his brother and the trio entered an uncomfortable silence as Hatter rubbed the back of his neck, still breathing like the weight of a stone was on his heart, or perhaps the weight of a heavy bunny. “Well, what's going on this time?"

“I really don't want to repeat anything I heard,” Dum said, but Hatter broke out into passion once more.

“Dee, it's about R-” But before he could say any more, “Hare” joined the group. “Oh, for God's sake!” Hatter substituted for the name of his most coveted bunny. “I mean, hi, Hare.”

“Hatta~... Nice to see you here~...” The Tweedles couldn't help but notice that, though Hatter and “Hare” stood together, their shoulders were not shuffling against each other – there must've been as much as five inches between them, but neither Dee nor Dum had the heart to bring it up. “Hare” obviously has no idea what had taken place, but he was extremely generous in offering Hatter his hand, who didn't instinctively realize what it was doing in front of him.

“Well? Take it,” “Hare” ordered. “By the way, I'm sorry about earlier.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. No problem.”

He took the hand with lackluster and everybody returned to Alice, who had taken out a copy of the Wonderland Enquirer from seemingly nowhere. When she looked up, everybody was just shuffling around without speaking, including Dum, who returned to her side and seemed to have forgotten that an explanation was in order. “What was that all about?” She asked. Slowly, all of their heads turned to her.

“Oh, Hatter just wanted to um... fix my tie,” Dum explained.

“I'm compulsive about ties,” Hatter added.

Alice nodded. Sure, why not?

* * *

At a quarter till, they came to the palace gates and found that a whole stream of visitors was entering the courtyard, precipitating a clattering of wine glasses and the “pop” of a fresh bottle opened. Hatter could see the Queen swaying around, bestowing upon her guests the most regal of greetings, but his eyes were searching, almost yearning, to see the white, wrinkly fuzz-ball that had always accompanied her. With satisfaction, he could see him pouring drinks a few feet away, gripping a table for balance. His fur was in disarray as if he had been touched by electricity, and, quite unlike him (or perhaps like him all along?), he was wearing a checkered bowtie with a light-up bulb. He giggled when the guests were delighted by it, and Hatter smiled, feeling an instinctive pull towards him, before he realized he was still holding “Hare”'s hand. To his surprise, “Hare” appeared to be watching “Rabbit” as well, but with a face that suggested he was tasting milk to see if it was sour.

Hatter, Hare, the Tweedles, and Alice worked their way through the crowd from there. It was quite unusual for the group to have to maneuver the courtyard during a party – usually the Queen pretended no one else in Wonderland existed when she had her celebrations, but this time it became apparent that she was a talented schmoozist and was not interested in her everyday subjects' conversation. When they found a table next, they surveyed the greetings and chatter taking place across the span of the courtyard, and Alice admired a nearby fountain which had pink water bubbling from stone hearts and flowers. In due time, “Rabbit” rolled up with a cart of glasses and drinks, doing a little dance on his way.

“Hello!!! Well, I know YOU guys!” He chirped loudly enough for a couple other guests to turn around, curious who might be so close to the servant, and, of course, he noticed a particular person first. “Hatter, what'll it be?”

“Oh, uh... I think some fruit punch will do it.”

“Wellll, I'm afraid you'll have to go to the punch bar for that,” “Rabbit” answered. Hatter rose from his chair and craned his neck around. “Hare” seemed particularly confused about this prospect.

“I don't see any punch bars.”

“That's because there aren't any! Hhahahahaahga! Sit down; I've got it right here!” He pulled out a bottle of bright red liquid and squirted it into a glass while “Hare” rolled his eyes. Hatter pretended he didn't notice and accepted his glass reflecting back all of “Rabbit”'s cheeriness. “Alice? What would you like?”

“Uhh, the same for me, please.” So he dished out another punch.

“He'aaa~?” He asked next, with such emphasis on his British accent that “Hare” was not as amused as he'd hoped.

“I'm fine for now, thank you.” The group stared at him for a moment before shrugging it off.

“Tweeeedles?”

“We want the wine, man.”

“Yeah, and pour it up to the rim, please,” Dee added. They gave each other a high-five.

“WEEEELLL, somebody's either looking for a good time, or to pass the time!” “Rabbit” said, and as he giggled obliviously under “Hare”'s scrutiny and poured their glasses, Hatter smiled to his lap a bit uncomfortably. Suddenly, the Queen showed up with a smile as bright as a treasure chest, if only until she saw them.

“Oh, hey, you guys. Welcome to the ball!” And she swished her hand, already on her way out. “Rabbit, come with me, the King of Spades arrived and if he doesn't get his booze immediately, he'll think I'm understaffed.”

“She is understaffed,” Dee muttered as “Rabbit” stumbled off, fluttering his fingers at the group.

“By the way, Hatter, we've got those tea cakes you like! I'll bring them later!” He shouted, his voice already being swallowed by the crowd.

“It's too bad the Queen didn't think to hire some help. Mr. Rabbit looks like he's got a lot of work cut out for him,” Alice added. “Then again, he seems like he's having a good time!”

“Coping mechanism,” Dum said. Suddenly Hatter broke off from his dreamy gaze in the bunny's direction and slammed his hand on the table, causing all their drink surfaces to jiggle.

“What, am I the only one who remembers what happened today?!”

“What happened today?” “Hare” asked, less like a curious partner and more like “Rabbit” and Hatter might've drawn on the palace walls with non-erasable markers.

“Oh, nothing, Rabbit just joined us for... lunch.”

“Lunch?! Since when did he have time for lunch outside the palace?” And before they knew it, “Hare” got up from the table. “If you'll excuse me...” and he was gone.

* * *

As the ball continued, Hatter took the Tweedles' lead and found himself some alcohol, which helped dull Hare's prickly edges for him, and which made the Tweedles' choreographed entertainment for the Queen twice as amusing. You might call it epically whimsical. It was of no matter to Rabbit, though. As he was used to doing nothing but wiping guest's asses during such an occasion, he couldn't help but occupy himself with organizing the snack table and decorations, which Hare failed to see were disarrayed, and he accidentally threw out random compliments and prevented a man's shirt cuff from dipping into the fondue cup. Some people were charmed by his randomly attentive, perhaps believed as gallant, behavior. Others wondered why a strange bunny man walking around by himself, and clearly no one of importance, was popping in out of nowhere to make adjustments. It's not like Rabbit wanted to do any of it, anyway! Hare was clearly just too incompetent to do the work of a seasoned servant. Rabbit wished he had more servant friends. They understood discipline.

Once the dance was over, “Rabbit” announced that there would be a speech in ten minutes, and suddenly the Tweedles congo-lined their way through the crowd and threw their arms up in the air when they caught what they perceived to be Hare finally sipping at a glass of wine. “Oh, THERE you are, Hare!” Dum's voice soared.

“We've been looking all over for you!” Just as Dee finished his sentence, Hatter stepped out from behind him, rubbing his shoulder and just barely smiling. “Hare” eyed the empty wine glasses in their hands and raised his eyebrows.

“Can I help you?”

“No, but you can join us. Come on – we're gonna go take a dip in the pool,” Dum said. “Hare” scrunched up his face.

“What pool?”

“The Queen's indoor pool,” Dee clarified. “You know – the one we broke into last year. Across the courtyard, down the south wing hall, across from that work-out room,”

“With the dust-covered stair-stepper,” Dum added, jabbing Hatter in the chest, who started laughing, but he abruptly cleared his throat when “Hare” looked horrified.

“You've got to be kidding me! It was you guys?! I should've known!” And they found themselves the subjects of severely persecuting index fingers, trembling in their direction.

“Well you were there, too. I don't see why this is such a surprise,” Hatter trailed.

“Yes, well, maybe I was, but-” Suddenly Alice made her way out of the crowd from between two guest's elbows, catching her breath. “The Queen's just gone inside to prepare for the speech!” She informed them. “Hare”'s mouth fell even lower.

“The gate's wide open! Hurry, you guys!” Dee said, and he directed everyone in the direction Dum was escaping. Against his will, “Hare” was shoved off with them, babbling helplessly as they crept through the garden. He could not believe how shit-eating their grins were as their feet trampled down drooped flowers. Dum was being particularly acrobatic, doing cartwheels across the grass and nearly tipping over the Queen's glass flamingos, and no one seemed nervous about them at all!

When they reached the porch to the south wing doors, Rabbit couldn't take it anymore. He bolted towards the front of the group and flung his body across the entrance, his arms spanning the twisting, iron roses across the doors and his face bringing to mind the great martyrs of Elizabethan theatre. “I cannot let you go through with this!” He uttered.

The group took one look at him, then to each other. Finally, Dee asked “why not?”

“Because! It is extremely disrespectful to the Queen!”

“Yeah, so?” Dee followed up. “It's not like she's going to know.”

“Of course she'll know! Why, I remember when this happened last year – water everywhere, and pool noodles in places they most certainly don't belong! And who had to slave well into the night cleaning it up? Who had to launder all of the dirty towels and fetch those noodles?! ...Rabbit! After a long, grueling Olympics of servitude, of which none of you could ever possibly understand!”

“Well, we could always try to be more careful this time,” Alice reasoned, but her words only brought him more anguish.

“Alice, I'm surprised at you. I honestly thought you were never involved in such shenanigans.”

“...You did?”

“Hare” darted his eyes around. “Oh, don't worry about it, Hare. Rabbit practically gets off on chores. It's all he has to live for!” Dum reasoned, but Hatter stepped away from his peers quite hesitantly at first and joined “Hare”'s side, albeit without making eye contact.

“M-maybe Hare has a point. Why, Alice, you said it earlier – nobody likes a bunch of chores. I-I mean I wouldn't want Rabbit to have to clean up after us.” Sheepishly, he turned his face to “Hare”, whose brown eyes were glimmering with gratitude.

“T-thanks, Hatter,” he said, and Hatter could recognize a warmth in his reply that dissolved both their anxiety.

“...Are you two feeling alright?” Dee asked.

“I have to admit – you guys have been acting a little strange,” Alice added.

Dum hid his lips with his hand and whispered to his brother “maybe they both fell in love with Rabbit,” but Dee received the joke with bewilderment – he was not used to Dum's sense of humor being so perverse. Luckily, Hatter broke the silence.

“Look. Why don't we just have a few more drinks and leave early? I doubt anybody'd notice. Then we can just hop in my jacuzzi. How about that?” For a long moment, Hatter and “Hare” were just standing on the porch steps wondering if they were about to be shoved aside, but Alice and the Tweedles finally grumbled in agreement. They retreated from the garden, but Rabbit hid behind a bush and then tiptoed back to the entrance. He took a deep breath, eyed the dark halls at either end of him, and chose the one most likely to lead him to Hare.

When he found him, he was bending over the oven in the kitchen, his face glossy with sweat and a sloppily tied apron falling off his waist. When he spotted Rabbit, he nearly dropped the tray of quiche in surprise, but Rabbit flung himself forward and steadied him. They set the tray down together, and Hare backed up into the island with his face in his hands. “Not as easy as you thought it would be, is it?” Rabbit asked.

“Oh, Rabbit, I don't know what to do! There are five courses of snacks and over a hundred people! I'm not even supposed to be here! Tell me you came to help me!” Rabbit gave him an up-and-down glance and his features softened in sympathy – it was hard to see himself this way. His head was like a bouquet of frazzled fur; his hands and knee-guards were scoffed and brown; the flashing bulb on his bowtie was short-circuiting.

“There, there. Of course I'll help you. We have to pull off his ball, for both of our sanity. Now, the Queen is probably waiting for you to assist her for the speech. Just get out there, do what you must, and I'll have all of the snacks ready behind the doors, and you can take them to the guests as soon as you're dismissed,” he said. As his sentence ended, Hare bubbled with incomprehensible gratitude and grabbed both his arms as he sunk to his knees.

“I LOVE YOU,” he told him.

Rabbit squinted to the air in front of him and gave him a tentative pat on the shoulder. “And when you have the time, please wash up,” he added. As Hare dashed off, Rabbit found himself disappointed that his body could smell that bad, but he calmly rolled up his sleeves and went to work.

To both of their surprise, they worked as a team from there, rolling out drinks and tasties with great efficiency, although Hare continued to roll around the party in a haze of fatigue, and he caught Hatter noticing on many occasions. Then, finally, when Hare made his last round back to the kitchen, he had no idea that he was being followed. Once he was safely away from the party, Hatter jumped out of nowhere and greeted him at the kitchen entrance.

“Hi, Rabbit!” Hare instinctively clutched Hatter by the lapels and looked around the room for Rabbit, who seemed to have disappeared, but still he yanked Hatter all the way in and lowered him to the floor behind the island.

“What are you doing down here?”

“I just wanted to apologize for not giving Hare enough attention today. I know he means well. But I-I just had to see you!” Hatter answered, cupping his hands in front of him. To his dismay, “Rabbit” was frowning.

“We can't keep meeting like this!”

“I know, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't need my help anymore.” “Rabbit”'s fingers curled against his lips, and he looked about ready to melt.

“Oh! Hatter, that's so sweet of you, but I'm doing fine. Y-you should be with Hare, and don't worry about me. I've got it all covered. In fact, I'm used to it!” Hatter shook his head and clutched his hands.

“But I don't want you to be used to it-”

“What the hell is going on in here?” “Hare” suddenly asked, stepping out from the pantry with his hands on his hips. His counterpart didn't know what to say, and Hatter seemed to be making a marriage proposal.

He got up from his knees. “Hare! How did you get down here?”

“I could ask the same to you! What's the meaning of this?!”

“Oh God! You're having an affair?!” Hatter asked, his mouth flopping into an angsty grimace.

“No, we're not!” They both shouted.

“First you're meeting each other first thing in the morning, then down in the palace kitchen, and Hare is wearing funny clothes?! Well now I know it wasn't 'books' you were borrowing!”

“Hatta~, you are out of your mind if you think I would ever be attracted to-- that,” “Hare” started, swishing his hand at his own body but not quite agreeing with his own gesture.

“And what is wrong with Rabbit?!” Hatter asked, receiving no answer. “Is it because he's old?! Well maybe he has a youthful spirit! After all, he's always skating around. Obviously, he keeps himself in shape.” Rather than protest, both seemed intensely interested, suddenly. “Or, you know, maybe he's furry! But I think we're all plenty used to it. And so what if he's got an ice cream belly? Who here's gonna say they don't like ice cream?! I know I'm in the lucky minority who doesn't show it,” Hatter continued, and he patted his stomach. “Looks aren't what's important anyway. I may be beautiful, but I can recognize a beautiful personality.” By then, he'd marched around the room with indignation and ended up in front of his partner, whose frustration had dissolved into awe. “Okay, so you didn't have an affair, but... but... What's going on?”

Hatter extended his grey hands towards both bunnies and waited for an answer. When Rabbit and Hare met eyes, they seemed to come to an agreement about what must be done. “Uhh, well, Hare, Hatter just helped me with a couple chores earlier today and mistakenly thought that I needed his help again. But I don't, and you guys should really get back to the ball. Somebody's gotta do the work around here, and, Hare, you deserve not to worry about it, for once.” Though Hatter cocked his eyebrow, “Hare” hesitantly came forward and reached for his arm.

“Come on, Hatta~, let's go back,” he tried, but Hatter started to shake his head.

“You heard the man. Get out! I can't be distracted like this!” “Rabbit” added, pained. As “Hare” tugged, Hatter's arm started to yield and he was lead out of the room.

* * *

At half past eight, Rabbit had watched Hare fumble with the Wonderland chalice – which was there as tribute to the Queen's accomplishments that year. He had seen him roll right over her and everybody else's gowns, make unflattering expressions at guests, and begin to hold up wine bottles like they were gruelingly heavy weights. Hatter for some reason was steering clear of him now and had decided to get shit-faced to dull the pain of being abandoned by both bunnies. The Tweedles and Alice were even distancing themselves from him, as they found his swerving and cross-eyed conversation to be a deterrent, as did many of the other guests. Rabbit couldn't help but hear them mumbling about him, so he backed Hatter up into a chair as sweetly as possible and told him to shut the fuck up. Then he stepped off and began bussing a nearby table like it was a completely normal thing for Hare's body to do while Hatter was singing himself a song in the corner.

Suddenly he heard a trumpet sound and looked across the courtyard to find the Queen approaching her podium. “My dear subjects! I hope you all enjoyed dinner tonight, but even more, the dessert! Rabbit!” And “Rabbit” set down the trumpet and tripped over himself on the way to the curtains, where he drew them as gracefully as possible while the Queen laughed nervously. When he wheeled it out, everyone could see that it was monstrous.

It was the cake of all cakes. Stretching five feet tall, layer after layer, with purple and blue frosting glowing under a random spotlight, it almost outdid the Queen, but only almost, because if it had, she wouldn't have stood for it. Everyone gathered around, Alice especially since her time in Wonderland before her parents got suspicious was coming to a close, but Hare had to passively slice and serve the cake and keep himself from drooling all over it. Rabbit resumed his table bussing when he caught sight of something sparkling on the floor. With eyes wide, he lowered to all fours and crawled forward, sharpening his gaze on the sparkle enough to tell that it was a fallen jewel, but just as he was reaching he felt his leg being shoved in one direction and then crushed by a terrible weight. He didn't need to turn around once he heard the drunken Hatter murmuring, but he was broken off by a “whoosh” and then a “squish!” and everyone was being sprayed with cake.

Rabbit didn't dare move, but he surveyed the courtyard. Hatter was planted face-first in the foot of the curtains, the curtains had all splayed across the floor, the rod holding them was dipping into the fondue fountain and the “Happy Birthday, Wonderland!” sign that the Queen had commissioned weeks ago, with care, had replaced the cake. Meanwhile, everyone at the ball was standing rigid with their hands outstretched and mouths agape as if a bus had just driven by and soaked them with cold water. The Queen seemed to wipe away the frosting from her eyes in slow motion.

Then she traced this catastrophe back to its source and grew livid. She darted for Rabbit with a fire under her ass – it was as if she'd swallowed an entire bottle of hot sauce. The only thing that was missing was steam coming out of her ears! Rabbit felt like he was having an out of body experience – no, perhaps the worst nightmare you could possibly have. Of course, he had irritated, disappointed, frustrated, misinterpreted, and even angered the Queen, but never like this – what he saw coming at him was bound to give him Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He'd be hiding under tables the rest of his life whenever he so much as heard the word “red”.

“HARE,” she screeched, her finger swishing at the air in front of him, “I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD GO WRONG WITH YOU AT MY BALL.” Rabbit carefully slid his leg out from under Hatter's fallen feet and stood up as straightly as if he were at boot camp. She looked over at Hatter, who rolled to his side, reached for his hat, and put it on backwards. “Hatter, you get up right now.”

Hatter was drunk as a clam, but he was sentient enough to know his Queen was pissed, so he got to his feet and tried to maintain his balance next to “Hare”. “I want you out of here right now,” the Queen said. Rabbit could only babble, and Hatter seemed taken aback over the matter. Then he just started to giggle because the Queen looked funny when she was covered in cake. He had half a mind to stick his finger in her and have a taste. “You have ruined the ball,” she clarified, swatting away the Hatter's hand. Silence continued from these future-ball-exiles. From within the crowd, the Tweedles shook their heads like two black women going “mmmmMm.” Alice just covered her mouth.

The Queen had had enough. “I SAID OUT. OUT,” she shouted, and Rabbit began to shuffle with tears in his eyes, but Hatter started swaying right into him as they hurried for the gates. Rabbit had to apply himself at keeping this giant purple man from dropping. Once they'd passed the gates and were shuffling together onto the forest path, the Queen did a little angry dance. “Oh, harumph! And don't think you'll be invited again!”

And her voice echoed, so that all of Wonderland could hear it again and again and again... Or, at least, it felt that they could in Rabbit's broken heart.  
  


Part 5  
..........

“Mary had a.... li'...ttle laaamb... li'le lamb, li'le laaaaamb...” Hatter sang to himself with his eyes half closed. Rabbit was shoving him back and forth and clawing him around the waist to keep him from sending them both down.

“Godamnit, Hatter, stop swaying!”

“Maaryyyy! Oh'Haaare,” he continued drawling. It made the trip to the hat-shaped house last an eternity, but Rabbit finally got them there and tugged him through the front door. Hatter flopped onto the couch and smiled to himself as Rabbit went into the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water and some aspirin.

“Here. Take these and drink up. You're gonna feel that alcohol in no time, I'm sure~. And by 'feel', I do not mean 'feel fuzzy butterflies and rainbows,'”, “Hare” told him, though there appeared to be more than one of him for a second and Hatter's heavy hand didn't manage to swat away the pills. It landed over the edge of the couch and kept falling as Hatter's face met the cushion.

“I'ontwannit,” he said, with his flattened cheek obstructing his speech. Rabbit lowered to the floor beside him and glowered.

“Oh, Hatta~, what has gotten into you? Since when do you drink until you're incapacitated?!”

“I'ma sad lone'y Hatter, tha'swhy.”

“Oh, come on. One day without Hare being pappy-smappy by your side, and this is what you're reduced to?” Hatter paused for a second.

“Why're you referring to'urself in the thir'person?”

“Oh, I didn't say 'Hare', I said...'me here',” he corrected, but Hatter looked like he had entered a serious reverie. He propped himself up and his eyes wandered somewhere, which Rabbit found to be the mantel. There were pictures of all his friends, but one of Rabbit himself had been placed in the fore-front. “Oh, dear...”

“I'ust... I just feel bad about Rabbit. I thought I's getting somm'here with him, but I'on't... I'ont think'e likes me any,” and he hiccuped in between, “more.”

Rabbit let out a ragged sigh and reached over to pat Hatter on the knee. “There~, there~. Rabbit likes you plenty. He just needs his space.”

“B'I want us't have more space togeeether,” Hatter moaned, grabbing a throw pillow and smothering it with unrequited love.

“You can have more time together, but it will be as friends. Let's not get ridiculous, here~.”

“But Haaaare, I... Do you'ver think some'n can love two bunnies?” Hatter's fingers stroked the pillow before Rabbit grimaced and yanked it away. He threw it to the side and put his hands on his hips, coming to stance and hovering over him.

“No, I do not! And I doubt either of us would appreciate it! Besides, you don't love m- Rabbit. You do not love Rabbit, I say! You love one single bunny and it's- it's me!” Hatter gazed up at “Hare”, who still looked religiously prim before he bent down, grabbed each side of Hatter's face, and administered a less-than-passionate kiss. After their lips broke, Rabbit tried to convince his “partner” that he had enjoyed what just happened, but resorted to dusting off his shirt and clearing his throat. “Now you drink that water~ and do as I say! I've gotta go home!”

And Rabbit dashed off and hurried back to Hare's, where he flung himself up the porch steps and burst into tears in one of the rigid wicker chairs. “Waaaaaah! My life is ruined! ...And I didn't think it could get any worse,” he whined. Just then, the front door abruptly opened.

“Sonny! Where have you been all this time?!” Rabbit broke his face away from his hands and his eyes rose to the figure in the doorway. His guest was practically Hare's replica if he were sixty and a woman. Rabbit straightened up and wiped off his face in embarrassment. “Are you alright? Did something come up?” He still really didn't know how to address this surprise. “Didn't you remember I was visiting? You were supposed to be at the train station at six'o'clock sharp! I had to call a taxi!”

“I-I'm sorry. Hatter was... very sick,” Rabbit bullshitted, but it was partly true.

“Well! It must've been awful. I can't imagine it any other way if you would forget about your mother!” Rabbit stared at her for a long while, and she stared back through those red, retro glasses, her eyes beginning to squint with suspicion. “Well, come inside, Hare, I've been waiting for hours! And why in the world is your house such a pigsty? I didn't raise you to make messes like this!”

“I'm sorry,” Rabbit responded blankly as they crossed the threshold.

“Oh, and I took the liberty of cleaning out your fridge. There was a science experiment in the back. And you know nutella's actually bad for you. I threw it out.”

At this, his mother found a place on the couch, crossed her legs, and sipped at some tea while Rabbit stood in the doorway. “Well, sit down. Tell me everything new! Are you and Hatter getting married yet? It should've happened by now, I'd think.”

* * *

Back at the palace, the party had ended early, and Hare had been cleaning ferociously. There had been no secret pool party, but that cake sure did make a splash. All of the Queen's flowers needed to be watered down, which was no good for them – they were hanging their heads as low as his when the night was through. The Queen had gone off to take a frustrated bubble bath so she could ruminate about “Hare”'s “emphasis” to her ball, the only thing that anyone would ever remember about it. Meanwhile, Hare, after what was accurately described by Rabbit as “an Olympics of servitude”, and the Queen's comments about how he and Hatter were the most troublesome, uncivilized Wonderlandians ever, trudged up the stairs to Rabbit's bedroom. He did not want to lie in that bed despite how severely his muscles ached. He did not want to wash up in the bathroom and see himself in the mirror, or change into a nightgown. He did not want to be Rabbit anymore! And it was his need to be distant from Hatter that was worst of all!

He found, sometimes – not by any means often, but occasionally – that Hatter was superficially committed to him, that he really just needed to satiate his most carnal of appetites. After all, Hare was very good at bringing him food and sex. However, this being so, he looked back on it with a smile of relief in some sense, because it seemed Hatter had fallen in love with him all over again when he was trapped inside a 70-year-old rabbit. On top of that, while he was inside this 70-year-old rabbit's body, he had lured him into doing palace chores. Hare just wanted to jump in Hatter's lap and go on and on and on about how he was as sweet as chamomile tea with honey.

But. He. Could. Do. No. Such. THING!

Hare looked down to his gigantic, fuzzy, white hips, stretched his fingers over his dried, wrinkling face, felt the exhausting weight of his body when he dropped to the foot of the bed, which made the most obnoxious squeak ever, and started to cry. "OGHHH, THIS JUST WON'T DO."

Although for a few minutes he sniffled and whined about the predicament, he absent-mindedly got up and started reading Rabbit's mail (if he was going to be him tomorrow he figured he might as well have a heads up). But it was just junk. He opened the drawer and inside he found some personal letters, and he had no reserve about reading them.

“Dear Uncle Carbuncle,

Thank you for all of those tasty candies from Chocolate City. I ate almost half on the same day they arrived, and then my mom took them away. Maybe that's good because I had a tummy ache later. I hope that you had fun going to that shopping place with the Queen. What do you think of the book “The Great Carrot Thief?” Mom does not believe that momeraths can chase a bunny in swarms. I still think it's funny, and we have the same sense of humor! Well, I should send this to you, and I have homework still to do. Write back soon!

-Norman”

Hare looked around, and sure enough, he found “The Great Carrot Thief” sitting on Rabbit's nightstand. He smiled and read on.

Soon, he had gone through several letters that Rabbit kept in a neat stack inside the drawer, all between him and his nephew, with phrases shared such as “I'm proud of you,” and “you're the only one who thought I could do it”, “I want you to become more than a servant,” and “it's too bad you live all the way in Wonderland.” Hare's eyes were glossy all over again, so he had to stop.

He wandered over to the bed, undid the latches on his rollerblades, and tossed them away, then stretched over the mattress. When his head rolled over so he could see the nightstand, he came face to face with a picture of the gang from what appeared to be a birthday party. Rabbit was standing in front of a carrot cake while everybody else leaned in with goofy faces. For a moment, something flashed across his face concerning Rabbit that the Hare of yesterday would consider unforgivably sentimental, but just as he rolled over and reached for the knob of the nightstand, he was sure he heard something down in the royal gardens – something bold and soulful. After rolling one way, he rolled the other and approached the window. There were several woeberry trees obstructing his view, especially in the dark, but he could see that familiar man in purple bobbing his head with an acoustic in hands, singing his heart out. Hare knew he was drunk, but he was surprisingly more articulate through song.

"My loneliness is killing me~! AND IIII-”

"HATTER, what are you doing?!”

“I must confess, I still believe! Still believe!" He added in shameless falsetto.

“Hatter, you're going to wake up the Queen and I'll get in trouble!”

"When I'm not with you I lose my mind, give me a SIIIIIGN!" He paused when "Rabbit" cleared away from the window, his disappearance throwing him off a bit. He glanced around for a good minute, then decided to “woo” him back, sure he was just hiding behind the wall, throwing discretion over his enthusiasm. He took a deep breath. "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TI-"

But “Rabbit” foot-ball slammed him. They both rolled into some shrubbery and sat up with leaves covering them. Hatter hardly noticed as he scooped up “Rabbit's” hands. “Rabbit, les'be friends. Les'be be really really good friends!”

“Rabbit” slapped away his hands. “No! We can't!”

“W-who's stooopping us?!” Hatter asked, leaning forward with breath that could light a match.

“The Queen, Hare, society.”

“Oh, nonsenseee, I've got Hare's blessing!” He wailed, and “Rabbit” leaned forward to cover his mouth.

“No, you do not! I don't give you permission to cheat on me with Rabbit!” Hatter squinted. “Listen, I am exhausted, Hatter. I had to clean up cake for hours! Life in the palace just... doesn't permit what you want from me!”

“Bu'we'll make it wooork! ...I know what to do - les'run awayyy together!” And he tried to grab the guitar again and play a little tune. “It'll be beautiful~~!”

“No! We're all staying in Wonderland, goddamnit!”

“But I love you!”

“You don't love me! You love Hare, you idiot! HARE!”

“WHAT'S THAT RACKET OUT THERE?” They heard the deep, angry voice of the Queen project from an upstairs window, which was suddenly filled with light. By now, Hare had heard her sudden objections to things he was doing all day long, and he recoiled and even twitched, but as he got to his feet to evade the situation altogether, Hatter flung his arms around his ankle. Hare had to tug himself free and kicked Hatter in the face in the process, but Hatter quickly pursued him, even if his path was a little zigzagged.

“I SAY, WHO'S OUT THERE?” they heard the Queen in the distance, but they were already escaping the garden.

At that same time, Rabbit was scuttling in his penny-loafers from the house. She was a prying and domineering woman! He had to get away, and he realized while they were watching Lifetime that he had never confronted the Caterpillar about this problem. There was a chance he'd seem like he needed a cozy stay at Wonderland Psychiatric Hospital, but it really didn't matter because if he didn't have this sorted he would do more than seem like it.

To his utter dismay, when he burst into the darkness like his escape was granted to him, June was quick to react. He was sure, even, that he'd seen her throw her teacup over her shoulder and bolt for him as soon as he was leaving! “Hare, where are you going?!”

Back with Hare, Hatter was asking the same question with a little less clarity, and both of them were now breathing like they were a few huffs away from asthma attacks. Hare had to think quick, so he hid behind a tree and waited for Hatter to pass. Once his companion had wandered off, he took a different direction and ended up in the Mushroom Forest. With much less haste, he walked through while catching his breath and squeezing the cramp in his waist. But from somewhere nearby he heard footsteps and equally accelerated breath. He didn't dare speak, but the breath kept getting close, until finally he bumped right into the source.

They both broke into shouts.

“He'a~?!”

“Rabbit!” Hare gripped Rabbit's arms and let out a ragged sigh of relief. “Oh, God... Hatter's chasing me.”

“Well, your mother is chasing me!”

“Ma? What the hell's she doing here?”

“I could ask you! He'a~, we've got to do something about this right now! Her Majesty may've fired my ass, but I want my life back! I cahn't take this torture any longer! You have truly saint-like patience to manage that hatted man, and I only had to do it very occasionally today. Furthermore, no offense, but your mother is insufferable.”

“Well, I could say the same about living at the palace! I've been working all day! I know just what you mean about Bunny Solitary Confinement!”

“Listen – I am sorry about the cake. We all know it was Hatta~'s fault.”

“Oh, no, we couldn't blame him-”

“Yes, we could! Her Majesty truly has it out for you. The treatment I've received from her today over very little offenses proves it. I want to speak with her... somehow... provided my safety is assured... provided I get my body back!”

And before he knew it he was sobbing. Hare shook his head in disbelief. “Oh, Rabbit, that's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me!” And Hare cried, too. They threw themselves in each other's arms and wet each other's shoulders with tears. “You work way too hard, Rabbit!”

“I know, I know...”

“I had no idea Hatter could be so nice to you. It made me feel like a real jerk!” And the sobbing continued, so loudly and passionately that neither noticed that the texture beneath their fingertips changed. Rabbit was clutching a stiff button-down shirt and his arms closed around his Buddy in Angst much more easily. Hare's cries were muffled beneath nothing but fuzz. They broke apart and slowly began to pat each other.

“My carrots, He'a~, we changed back!”

“But how?!”

“What the hell is all this racket?” A sleepy baritone voice asked from just behind a few mushrooms. They looked around and saw a mountain of rolls nearby, slightly jiggling in the dark night's breeze. Before they could properly react, they heard Hatter's voice cast from nearby, still as desperate to find his bunny as before.

Hare and Rabbit both cut through the mushrooms and looked up to the shadow of the Caterpillar's.

“Sorry about that. We're just running away from Hatter. He's drunk and confused.”

“Well, I'm trying to get some bloody rest! Here, take this,” and he handed Rabbit some kind of object that he felt up and down until he could identify it as a frying pan. In short distance, there was a pool of moonlight dipping through the treetops. Rabbit stepped there, where Hatter could see him, but turned towards Hare.

“You don't mind, do you?”

“I'll make one exception,” Hare answered.

* * *

Once they dragged Hatter back to Hare's, he was back to singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb”, and Rabbit had to explain that he was so sick that Hare had to retrieve him for constant observation. June had been standing on the porch huffing and puffing over her son's consistently odd behavior, but her face broke into concern when Hare was dragging Hatter's body up the stairs by the armpits. Both of the bunnies laid him down on Hare's bed, looking down on him, and quickly stole a moment to themselves as he babbled something about birds. “So...” Hare started.

“Let's just never~ talk about this again. And... we will never return to that restaurant. I don't think the Queen much liked it anyway.”

“Right,” Hare agreed.

They closed the door on him and went back down to the kitchen, but June seemed to be suspiciously quiet at the sight of this tall, white Rabbit of ripened age in her son's house, a newly regal air about him, although he also had a few leaves in his fur.

“The White Rabbit. I'm surprised to see you here...” she said. Rabbit darted his eyes around.

“Well, you know, I had to help He'a~...”

“At nearly midnight?”

“Well, I can tell when a friend is in trouble. Hatta~ was far too heavy for one bunny to carry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I should head back to the palace.” He curtly bowed at the both of them and shared a knowing glance with Hare, with something of a smile on his face.

June cleared the doorway for him with a sheepish grin and waved her hand in his direction in her daintiest manner. Hare took a moment to gaze at that bunny with admiration, but caught a similar expression on his mother as he had found on Hatter all day. “Mom, don't even.”

* * *

Rabbit's knees were so sore at this point that his legs were beginning to go numb. He trudged up the same palace stairs that had lead Hare to his bedroom, changed into his pajamas, but noticed his nightstand drawer was ajar. He checked inside and gasped. Where was it?! He looked all around and finally checked under the mattress. “Agh, good... he didn't find my dir~ty joke book.”

Just then, there was knocking on the door.

“Ahh! Coming, yo'a~ Majesty!”

He opened it up, and there was the Queen in her heart-patterned nightgown and hair-curlers. “Rabbit – I could've sworn I heard someone singing in the garden a little while ago. Did you remember to close all of the gates?”

“Uhhh, uhh, well, actually, very recently I went to check. I'm terribly sorry if it was-”

“Oh, no, it's nothing. I was just making sure. You never quite know how a ball will end, especially this one. Here,” she said with an envelope in her hand. “It's your paycheck. I'm giving it to you early. You did a good job today, Rabbit, especially after what happened with that buffoon. The guests even gave you tips. It's all in here.”

Rabbit swelled with glee and accepted the money, then held it to his chest, his eyes beginning to glitter with tears. “Oh, I missed you!” Without thinking, he reached for the Queen and hugged her tightly. When he let go, she had tensed in the shoulders and retracted from the doorway.

“Yeees, well, goodnight...” Rabbit watched her walk away. Then he closed the door with one hand and covered a yawn with the other.

* * *

Everyone in Wonderland, truly everyone, slept like a log that night. Wonderland was four hours behind Alice's world, so she came back very late and flopped into bed still in her jeans. The Tweedles had done so much of their own mischief, including finding their way to Hatter's hot-tub without his permission, that their beds became landing pads. The Queen had had her share of excitement, not always positive, and gave herself permission to sleep in. Following her lead, Rabbit pressed the snooze button for an entire hour. Hatter's liver spent the whole night recuperating from his chosen prescription for loneliness, and Hare, though he no longer had the body which had done all of yesterday's deeds, was as exhausted as if he did.

Finally, Hatter rolled over into Hare's arms, who was propped up in bed and peeking out the window at his sun-splashed garden, where the rims of plants glowed and the morning sky was a color as tasty looking as cantaloupe. “Ogh, my head...” Hatter murmured. Hare knew all about it and stroked the hair out of his face. Eventually, Hatter opened his eyes and found his surroundings peculiar. “Where are we?”

“We're at my place,” Hare answered. Hatter squinted before dropping his face to Hare's chest again. “Hehghehgh, you were so drunk last night, I had to take care of you.” Hatter thought this one out.

“...Wasn't there a ball?”

“Yes... Don't worry, you had a good time. Too good, actually.”

“Y'know, it's funny, because I had a dream I was there... and I was... I was serenading Rabbit, and he was looking out a window, like, like Romeo and Juliet.” Hare wasn't prepared for how hard he started laughing. He also wasn't prepared for how sweetly Hatter didn't even seem to care and just curled his arms around him even tighter. “Mmm... I missed you.”

Hare caught the rest of his giggles under his lip, biting it with a pained but grateful smile curling at each side of his front teeth. “Heehgghghg, good... Yes, yesterday was very busy. But, you know... absence made the heart grow fonder.” For a long moment, Hare just smiled and waited.

Shortly after, June's feet were sliding across the hall carpet in fuzzy pink slippers. She was approaching Hare's room and sipping a cup of coffee. She inhaled, about to say something to the closed door, when her ears caught the unmistakable sound of a mattress squeaking rhythmically. With extreme caution, she backed away and went back down the stairs.

The End.


End file.
